Anonymous

I am lost, in need of someone. I’m in trouble, through my own doing, and my excuse is weak, but I’d like to tell you my story. I could quite possibly be homeless soon. I am still spending more than I’m making and have gone through my savings in just 3 years.

I can’t live alone. I’ve never done it. I have always lived in other people’s stories, as a secondary character that enriches the plots. I am a room mate. A damn good one, even if I am a little crazy.

Some people are upset by that word, but to me, everyone I’ve ever met is a little crazy so it’s a pretty equal word. I like to say my crazies are harmless and easy to work around. You notice them pretty much within an hour of meeting me.

I aim to please. I am respectful and reliable. I live my life to the best of my ability, without anger. I live my life, in many ways just trying not to get yelled at. I turned to a life of support, always being asked to resolve or train.

Darn… I was afrraid of that.  My A.D.D brain is on weed.  Quite a bit. It has chnged the tone of the essay,

I admit. I have enjoyed self discovery and creativity on various drugs. I fully admit that I may have overdone it a few times.

I see I’ll have to edit this, which means i’ll never use it, but I will continue.

I am lost. I am afraid to confess how crazy I am. It has disabled me in so many ways. I lived a life never having to make descisons or ask. I just stayed invisible until called on, and then I shown.

On first meet, I seem confident. Oddly, I am. I have full confidence in the Jeff that comes forward to the NOW JEFF.  He’s a great guy.

It’s the obcesions before and after NOW that keep me down.

Ok.  I’ll start over.

My name is Orange Jeff, and this is an orange shirt story.

I have run my own coimputer support business for over 20 years, and been doing computer support since before anybody owned a computer.

My client base was loyal and many of them have been with me for 20+ years. Sadly, my best abd most generious cklients have all since died of old age. I was expecially popular among seniors.

I enjoyed teaching so much when I did it.  When it was handed to me.

I have spent the entire time running that business, without any asking. No promotion, and no forward movement.  I’ve kept up with the times technologically, but I have never asked for business. I seem to have a phobia.

I can’t make desiocions alone. I need to make them with a second person.

“Everything I can concieve is perfect, until I share.”

Giving up perfection is hard.

This year, after two years of therapy and medication, I have nearly run out of ideas, and hope. I made a lot of changes when I first moved into an empty apartment. I just can’t actually do anything. I can write about it. I can imagine it with joy and pride, and I got better.

I actually believe I am  good person now. I don’t hate myself, and that is huge.

I’m a co dependant without a co

I need a roommate.

I’d like a girlfriend.

Preferably with a home.  I realize that is a crazy ask, but to me, it’s not totally crazy.  I really seem to be incapable of taking care of myself.

brain interupts. I’m clean. ALways washed in faily fresh clothes.

Same shoes for 20+ years

Same Jeans for 20+ years

Same shirt style.  Only polo T’s with collar and stripes. Designer, George

Now I’m sounding crazier. ahhhh fuck. I am fucking crazy.

SO far in my life, I have lived with 3 women, 1 twice.

We became best friends and learned and grew together. I am a cool guy, and now even I believe it. It’s just I immediatly get down on myself for using the word cool so much. I don’t know if it’s still cool.  I hope so.  I was OK with losing groovy and decent and other words tat game and went, but I love cool.

My poit was that NOW Jeff is likeable and non threatening. I sometimes refer to it as salesman personality. I know how to make people comfortable.

Salesman personility is a horrible description. To most, it’s a negatviev image. At least ysed car salesmne brings an image of cheat.

I have always been fascinated with salesmen.

The giid ones tell thebest stories.

I had considered mail order bride, but I need to be the one she chooses. I need a woman with spare time ad patience tro consider me a project investment. A very smart guy with severe A.D.D. and a fear of asking for anything, or being a bother or ittitant in any way.

I am as good or better than any TV sitcom Husband, and about the same shape. I am 53 but I do have wide circle of 30-50 year old friends.

THis is hard and I am tired. My negative critic has convinced me this is not the one to be discovered and shared and become famous. This is not it.

I’ll try sleep and possibly be back for a second draft.

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Another day has come and gone. It’s OK. I blogged about it. Things did not go as planned We’re Not Crazy I really want to post my ad.