I wish I was a little better at detecting changes in myself, but from my perspective, I’m always me. I never quite know how different today’s version of me is like the me from three years or ten years ago. I can’t know how different I might be. I can’t gauge how much of an effect my daily drug use has changed me.

Coupled with my living situation and environment and  recent stress of trying to not be homeless at the cost of being a burden to others. These are all things that I would assume contribute to any personality change I might have detected.

My learned skill of being able to ignore anything negative serves me well but I still wonder about how new my autistic traits are. Was I always filed with anxiety, and just affected by the TikTok awareness effect. I think I always left the party early and struggled to insert myself into the evening just enough for a few punchlines, and then vanish.

An orange blue arrives, wines about the absence of Apple pie, and then I retreat to my bedroom to reflect on the impression I left.

Yeah. I think that describes me then and now. I’m a background extra on call as needed to reach the top shelf or unload the car, but seldom get given my own storyline. People are aware of me without needing to ask for more details beyond the recurring character that lives in the basement.

I live inside my head where I get to make sure my stories are fair and balanced and the effort to maintain is low.

Is that weird, or another quirk that seems common among the neroduvergent?

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I wrote this today with the assistance of chat GPT. As is often the case when creating things I want to be worthy of pride enough to share. On the road to perfection the iteration count exceeds my attention span and patience. There comes a moment where I declare completion prematurely which saves me the risk and embarrassment by not sharing incomplete projects.

I let the bolder roll back down the hill and abandon it. Tomorrow I switch to some other project with an intent to revisit today’s failure in the future.i remember that pattern as far back as childhood.

If you don’t finish it, you postpone the first share and it retains its almost perfect status indefinitely.