My after chores report ended in tears this morning, briefly but sadness lingers because I hate being a burden but being an inconvenient burden that makes me believe I’m unwelcome in this home is pure torchure,
I have indirectly broken the trust bond and I continue to eat things that are intended for others when I run out, essentially costing more than I shouldn they are also on a reduced budget now so my presence is bad on multiple levels
The subtle passive aggressive comments are no longer being hidden and the once patient attitude has hardened, comments are obvious and bold,I have no idea how much is in my head but this morning my bad mood was topped by remarks that cut me deeply and although I recovered quickly, the thoughts will stay with me through the clay, I will stay in my room moping with no obvious solution
I ran out of drugs but had a last ditch cloud that wasn’t strong enough to change the woe is me into everything is awesome , it’s been bad for a while but the mess usually do the job of distracting me from the negative reality into the ideal world that exists in my bedroom away from moods
I do my best to keep the blame for all the unrest in the house but it would appear there is additional stress between the couple that previously never showed signs of any problem
I choose to assume that is my fault too because my appeance and residency was not mutually discussed, I just became a part of the story one day and became a costly dependant that seems to be content with the situation
Which is mostly true for most of the time, I try not to think about how awful the situation is for everyone but that’s getting harder as I see their financial stress and the two now live apart, I get the man that wasn’t consulted and she lives five hours away
I’m not intentionally doing this although it must look like I am to others because I don’t follow up on anything that could help with money, I just sit on my bed either thinking deeply and silently, or avoiding thinking about it all all when I have the drugs
This week, doing nothing about various issues almost looked like abuse of the situation, or at least taking advantage, I’m not contributing in any meaningful way beyond the 300dollars and feeding animals, which i occasionally do poorly on the exact days somebody notices i hate that
I have customer work to complete today but it’s harder when sad and sober
Argh
