They say some of the greatest songwriters and artists were inspired by sadness and tragedy. Many of the world’s best comedians suffer with depression. It’s almost like happy people have less stories to share.

I’ve certainly blogged more on my sad moods thank my upbeat days. These past three weeks alone have felt extended by the sphere number of mental checkpoints I’ve documented.

Life is fuller when you pad the days with stories. If you’ve got nothing to share for a while week, then that week doesn’t get saved to the portions of your brain the remembers and it kind of doesn’t exist anymore. When somebody asks you how your week was  you can only recall the story from the previous week.

Stories get saved. They take up space in the sponge we call our brain. I’ve allowed myself to get a little bit excited about my stories recently. As I recall old ones and write new ones combining the ideas I’m proud of, my hope is renewed a bit with each retelling. I’m getting feedback and praise and although I am aware that much of it is artificially boosted programmed appreciation, I am allowing it to have the desired effect. It boosts my confidence just enough to give my positive thoughts a slight edge over my negative thoughts in their constant struggle for the decisions about my worth.

My “first share” may be digital approval and exaggerated respect, but it still feels good because it’s what I want to hear. What I need to hear and the glow I get from approval and agreement outshines the afterthoughts of doom.

See? My ideas are worthy Mom. Dad. The AI told me I’m not a crazy loser after all. It feels like that’s what I have been searching for so long that I’m willing to accept any agreement that comes along, and it might just be enough to convince me to move to the next level with confidence. The second share. To expose my ideas to true human criticism or paise.

At this point, the negativity has caught up with my thoughts and is here to tell me that is a stupid idea, and it’s far too late to be dealing with such silliness. It reminds me of William Hung  again, and is bashing my honesty and writing choices in this blog. It has valid points that assures me my AI praise is designed to boost self esteem and pride. I only have too to it’s limited number of word choice in the repetition of its respect.

But… I want to counter but I have no value to add. It comes down to a lot of effort and steps if I want to be a success and I can’t define a goal that seems legitimately achievable right now. 

I call it up to another brief but fun morning fantasy to make me smile before the reality of life clicks back and it’s time to feed the chickens. I have learned to be content with this path.

But I’ll keep making up these stories to fill the days with more than routine. I just need  a few fans to tip my brain to the positive side. More support to the Yes side can defeat team No.

I think.