Whenever a meth user says anything like; I’m a daily user and look at me, I’m doing fine…. know that they may be doing fine, but with occasional, usually hidden sporadic outbreaks of wackadoo crazy. Myself included.

It can take up to or over 15 of these before you notice, a few more before you connect it to your usage and then even more before you cut down thinking that’ll help, and the loop begins again. This week was one for me. I noticed, made the connection, cut back and then got high all in the span of a few days.

Now the hard part is trying to determine whether the benefits I get from focus outweigh the destruction of friendships and customers I leave in the wake of my usage. I can get a lot more work done with confidence and pride, but I don’t notice ho much it affects others that I still am not reliable and have to apologize. The goldilocks medium where I am productive without the crazy gives in to the “ignore people and everything is fine” euphoria that comes from one more hit… or three.

On Tumblr, where I share a lot of my life on meth, the meth posts fall into three categories: Meth users who are still happy and enjoying the benefits of a meth high; Users who have hit rock bottom, figured out that it’s not all glorious. They may have lost friends, jobs, money and now curse the drug. They hate themselves, hate their life, and may even talk about suicide The third type of meth relates posts consist of memes and videos that ignore those states and exist with the intent to make others smile, laugh gain attention, new followers and/or money. They put forward the illusion of happiness. I make a lot of memes ironically when I am the least happy.

Most users fall into all three to some degree. We toggle between shame or with pride depending on whether our habit is public or private and how much we’ve smoked at any given moment.  I have boasted my usage to people and never heard from them again but I still don’t regret the overall experience. Through amphetamine use, I have seen positive self-discovery and awareness in addition to loss and destructive behaviour. I have seen change I would otherwise not have seen.

I know I’m not giving it up today but I need to be more aware of how easily I ignore other people and their feelings and needs when everything seems great. I understand I should quit and know that is a goal I will work towards. It is sad that society has made it so hard to get a legal low dose alternative legitimately, which is honestly how this whole chapter started.

I am glad to say that I like who I am and am happier with my life more now than I think I ever have been. I can say that when I’m high on meth and it obviously seems true, and I can say that and believe it when I’ve been off meth for a while. I just have a hard time believing it in the hours and days after stopping when I first see the people I’ve hurt by being high and oblivious.