I was 27 when I first found out about ADHD and that means I spent my entire life up to that point with no understanding about why I felt so weird. Why people would get angry when trying my best wasn’t good enough. A life of guilt without a reason.saying sorry more than the Canadian national average.
Not much changes after learning that, except my understanding and acceptance that my constant failure had an explanation beyond just being crappy at things. It didn’t make me less crappy at those things but it did make me feel slightly less guilty and apologetic, but I still said I’m sorry a lot because I like to be polite with my failures.
In my 60s, the world is more aware of ADHD and we’ve been introduced to the autism spectrum that now includes a lot more people learning similar things about themselves. All of the things unique about me are in a medical diagnostic and now I’m autistic too. auDHD for now. It might change again before I die
When I learned about ADHD I remember reevaluating my life backwards through time and all my struggles had context from this new perspective. The way I react to things felt more logical with the explanation and it provided some comfort. It did feel like it cheated me out of some uniqueness I was proud of, but more positive than negatives came out of the awareness.
The world overall is a little slower to relate because the idea of some of the population having different brains is a tough concept to swallow, especially if you’re outside the loop. It’s easier to call it an excuse, or to use it as an excuse.
Autism is the next wave and so many people are naming their own personality highlights as a group thing now, it’s confusing to know whether you like knowing everything you thought was just you, isn’t just you. Then people start demanding proof. They ask you questions like; how many matches are on the floor or what are your obsessive special interests?
That’s why they call it a spectrum is the typical answer. It’s a big wide group right now. Obsessive people will probably narrow that down to 3 or 4 different variants eventually but for now they seem to go by brain variations and separate in yes or no. The majority they call typical and the rest are divergent. Those terms stuck but will almost certainly change before the brain wars start.
I felt somewhat sad that didn’t have any autism super powers. I didn’t obsess over anything and my in brain counter was at 5. The lower average of how many items I could see without counting. I could even remember a phone number without looking twice
The awareness of my own autism filled in some blanks. The checklist seemed to be a better match to my oddness and my life status than ADHD did the two together fill a life like mine with so many contradictions. I used to call myself and introverted extrovert thinking that best described me, and now I see that exact term in a part of the official diagnosis.
The other day I was telling a story and I stopped mid sentence. A ding went off in my head and I realized. Cars were my special interest > wasn’t car guy I didn’t care about them like car guys do. What I could do was identify them. So well in face it became a huge pride point how well I could identify ev| car on the street by shape, or even by headlights or tail lights.
Somehow I feel better now.
