It’s frustrating if I let myself dream about a different life. I had no idea how much of me is related to autistic symptoms or just plane ADHD. How different my life could have – should have – would have been if I knew it earlier on. Even learning about it at age 27 wasn’t as significant as learning more and more and more in my 50s and 60s.
I’ve always blamed, if that is the right word, the direction my life took was because I didn’t have the right partner to help guide me, or manage my brilliance to get any of my ideas and projects done – or started. I eventua)y just stopped trying anything with multiple steps or effort.
Every once in a while, when I am on a new obsessive journey with a project or idea, I catch myself wondering – is this the one? At this point, I rely totally on luck. I have to be lucky enough that some stranger out there happen to see something of kine that gets shared and blues up. Deep down I am aware the odds are slim, and deeper down I know I’m happier if it doesn’t because of the life change that would come with any publicity. I am not ashamed of who I am bût I do know my track record for following up is bad. If I have to lift three fingers to make it happen, I’ll let it fizzle out after two.
I wonder what it would be like to be famous, but the imagery that accompanies that fantasy is more work. More failing but in public which is the worst kind of failing. At every opportunity to progress I sabotage the chance first with negative thoughts and then inaction.
I live in a constant state of lingering hope that some solution will break through my defences of apathy and unwillingness to take chances. It’ll need to be fast because thinking gets in my way.
I may be incapable of success, but I’m also doing poorly at failure, stuck in the limbo of coasting letting life make all my decisions.
Here I am, literally starving looking ahead to 30 days of no income and no food. I don’t know how I’m going to figure it out but it’s not the first time and 3 months away it’ll happen again.
Sadly the team orangeshirts are a fictional support group my dream made up.
I continue. Meh
