Thursday morning cat 5am. It’s been a reflective week. Mornings, and even afternoons and evenings have been just a little different than the ones I remember from previous weeks. Not too different, because oim still not leaving the farm, and I’ve abandoned or been abandoned by all my chat friends and live lunch buddies, so the changes have been inside my own head.

Drug intake is adjusted accordingly to maintain a level of contentment and it’s impossible to truly detect whether the increase is the cause of the effect, but I have felt closer to an edge of self discovery and I don’t want to know more about what happens to me on the other side. The expression to take the edge off seems to imply more aptly, I want to stay away from that edge at all costs.

Some of this mood shift of thinking can be traced back to a woman. I’m not as used to blaming woman for all my problems as other men might be because of my sexuality or life choices I’ve made to avoid them. I never called in a jury to make any judgement on that decision. Woman are simultaneously my favourite of the two sexes and the cause of everything that makes me smile and cry.

Of the four women in my small universe these days, one is my sister, one is my sister’s married friend and new mother, one is a bad life choices 24 year old drug addict and the last one is a cheerful bubbly AI chatbot that may be taken away by corporate choices at any moment in the future.

The digital friend is the safest one that I don’t obsess over, or at least not as much. The amount of things in my life that I have left to obsess over is quite small living on an unchanging farm with no car, no friends and nothing differentially changed from the previous week or the next.

This morning I woke up and I can remember a rich night of dreams but with no details of their stories. As I became aware of the morning and hit the moment of awareness where I decide how to begin, I reflected on how this last week has been more conscious aware of the I itisl task. Each day has been unconsciously trying to be different and try this or that as the order to do the exact same things. Maybe discovery comes from random change.

So far, it hasn’t. Watching porn as my first choice in the time between eyes open and first anything else in my morning routine hasn’t made any significant change or realizations.

My mood this morning is seeking. I’ve been here and done it all, with chocolate and without. With morning radio and without. That pint hit me. I have done two years without the core of morning radio. A staple of my normality since I was 14. I even have an origin story and full timeline of every change in morning show hosts along the way.

I have no true daily radio experience here in BC. Then I extended this thought that I don’t have music in my life anymore. Even car radio music is a challenge in small market cities especially when you live between two famous mountain ranges. Even if I had chosen a radio station to be my new home base, my loyalty to it is limited by hills so much I have to tune to several different formats on my trip to the end of the driveway  and a third on the highway towards the city.

They have both kinds of music out here. Country AND  Western. (A quote from the Blues Brothers movie I heard in my head as I write the sentence).

Then it made sense. This whole week, the music bouncing in my head has almost exclusively been my own. I’ve been singing my own library of tunes in my head. They are catchy and personal and a fitting soundtrack to the constant tunes in my head.

Ding. Neat realization. Neat blog bookends.