I always think of the Shatner audio clip where he proudly pronounced sabotage his was.
Today was another in my continuing series of struggling to feel normal and do well. I failed. I didn’t sleep well at night so I fell asleep a couple of times today. I was supposed to show up at a customer site but didn’t. I have another customer also very unhappy with me. It’s 40 degrees in my bedroom and my lighters are nearly out of butane.
I made the choice to not resolve these issues. A conscious choice, which simultaneously makes me feel worse and better. Instant gratification of not dealing with problems is directly in conflict with the uncomfortable feeling I will have when I have to deal with consequences caused by these actions.
The heat is compounding on everything else. I am not accepting and adapting well. The rutter is gone and I’m letting the current take me forward to the fault. I want to have faith but I’m still scared I push the limits of other people too far sometimes. I’m toying with my only last hope for a place to live.
I don’t want to live in a shelter.
