It’s a Tuesday here in Toronto but it feels a bit more like a Monday because we had a long weekend holiday Monday. It was supposed to be a rest day so I could start my office job again. I…

Replacement Monday

It’s a Tuesday here in Toronto but it feels a bit more like a Monday because we had a long weekend holiday Monday. It was supposed to be a rest day so I could start my office job again. I have only worked 4 days before they shut us down to stay at home with COVID. My experience was quite mild because of was vaccinated. That’s the story I choose to go along with anyway.I am eager to return to work again. I’m still on my own declared probation. I have not decided whether it is a job I can stay with and feel worthy. It has a lot of layers I have yet to discover and I am still the same me. The discipline and routine will help, but tedious labour is still going to be an issue to overcome.Despite having time to be ready. I am not really doing the important steps of project management and planning.Without these crucial steps, I will no doubt fall into the same traps I am used to. Life experience has never really bothered to master that stuff. I just sit down and start working on the easiest tasks that I have no mental block for.In the short term, it keeps me visually busy with results I can show. I am aware future weeks may be more challenging.There is no question I am fully capable of this project. The concern is working against the temptation to quit and run away. That is kind of my go-to move when my brain gets overwhelmed or feels like I’m not delivering a good value to my client.This client is friendly and understanding of my focus deficit and is very open to any special needs that may arise. That makes a huge difference because it’s mentally quite draining to explain to some people why I work in different ways than they may expect.You might have to tell me about some tasks more times than you think seems reasonable. Often, the repetition is needed more than once while I’m still standing in front of you.I have figured out work-around solutions to some tasks but there are still fundimental differences in how I process tasks and memories. I’m used to frustrating people, so having a boss aware of at least some of the niro-divergent brain will be interesting.I could pick up new tricks that help me moving forward. I’ve never had a weekday desk job before.The first issue I see coming up is any of the tasks unrelated to the specific ecommerce build. I am an able bodied man in a three person location. I may become the backup guy for absolutely anything that arises and I will need training for all of it. Even obvious comon sense tasks can cause me anxiety if I am forced to make decisions in the moment.It can turn what should be a fun bonus part of each day, but my fears of not knowing any of the answers sets me up to let the customer down, even if I understand the reality is never as bad as I imagine it will be.I like having the answers. I hate the thought of having to disturb senior staff with every single individual question. I know this will pass. It’s part of training. I’m just not used to it and I’m being dropped into an industry that is so foreign to me. I don’t even like this world or its customer base.I will adapt. It’s what I do. I just worry it’ll be uncomfortable during the initial annoying stage. I worry. That is also what I do.I am also optimistic that this life change will overflow into off hours where I may keep working for other paying customers as well as actually fitting my own dream projects into my schedule. I look forward to seeing how quickly those hopes will be abandoned again.Every time I start any new project, the hope is that this one will actually go from start to finish in a reasonable time without a mental breakdown or other failure.This could be the change that sticks.I’m growing tired of believing and failing.This time I’ve added the key ingredient I’ve been missing. I have daily access to interactive monitoring and praise. I have understanding support staff and a routine.This will make the difference.Until I complete the job and become homeless again,restarting the loop of stability once again.Good thing I have a two hour transit commute each day to overthink and obsess about it every day.End of part one.}

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