I can’t blame everything on ADHD. Today was a bad day for me and it’s pretty much all on me. I’m sitting in the dark on the toilet as I write this, hiding in shame because I ran away from hard work early to nap and pretend I was going to back after a break.

I feel shame, and the three farm friends I left behind to do the hard work are all older than me. One is over 80 and he lasted till 5pm. He may even continue. I tagged out at 2pm quite exhausted and sore. My ear clogs up when I get dehydrated and it throws my balance off kilter until I get more fluids.

While that is true, and I did feel dizzy and sick, I felt better and could have gone back. The chive to walk home and nap was mine. I worked hard from 1030 to 2pm. It was enough. Lifting and splitting giant tree bits into smaller ones. Lifting and bending.

It’s also exhausting to be thinking about everything too. Social interaction is a task in itself and trying to fit in with a group I’m not a part of is somewhat exhausting. I had enough and walked away. They really could have used my help for that but I also have several more days retaking the wood back at home, which has been my only part of the task in the two previous years.

It takes me a long time. So I hid out in my room afraid of disappointing them and being yelled at, which made it worse 

Some of my inability to sustain hard work is real, and some is in my head. Walking away both hursts and saves me simultaneously.

It doesn’t help that I ran out of amphetamines yesterday either to regulate mood, focus and stamina