I live with a certain amount of guilt at all times. When you live as a people pleaser, there are a lot of things to feel bad about. A lot of guilt opportunities.
Among the regular reasons I’ve lived with all my life, the new guilt comes from women I don’t even know. Society has really changed to a system where a lot of women want to make money to talk to me. They have web pages that you pay for to see their content and they don’t interact without compensation, or “tribute”.
Obviously this isn’t all women, but in my head, I make the assumption that sending a message to them is going to result in me getting the link to their site. I don’t feel worthy of their attention because I can’t afford the monthly fee.
I am a fan of a lot of women online because the create content I like, and they put in some effort which I appreciate but I am in a situation where I am literally incapable of the down payment requirements. I feel guilty for this. I feel like they won’t believe me and I may be perceived as a liar or loser. I hate it.
I don’t know what it’s like to have that kind of cash flow anymore and when I say I can’t afford to eat some months, I know they don’t believe me. It’s a weird dynamic.
Paid fans are the dream of many people I assume. To make an income being yourself (more or less) sounds wild, but it’s really changed how I feel. I want to be supportive of people I appreciate but I feel like a loser if I can’t, and the attitude I receive back is so weird. Nobody can afford to pay every single cool person online.
I prioritize my praise, and that seems wrong and unfair.
I don’t want to be famous. I just want a few fans.
