One of the most interesting things I’ve learned about some of my friends, is that they live in a constant state of pain. When I first heard this it was difficult to comprehend because pain has always been something I’ve been reasonably lucky to avoid. I don’t have a vivid memory of the only time in my life I’ve broke a bone and had to exist for about 12 weeks or so with a constant pain. 

It always worried me that at some point in my life one would appear and stay with me forever. The older you get the more you expect that one day something is going to hurt and not go away in a week or two. Like I said, I’ve been quite lucky in life and at age 60 I’m actually a little surprised at how healthy I am considering my level of diet, exercise, drug use, and sugar. 

Several times over the past few decades a pain has worried me that this was the one. Every time, it went away. Sometimes it’s quickly as the next day. I mean one of those phases now where I have a pain that could potentially stick with me. I’m currently on day four. 

Day one I stayed up all night. Day two I think I was probably up till 3:00 a.m. or so. I’m still waking up early so I’m getting less sleep which makes me tired. Last night I managed to fall asleep around 9:00 p.m. 

It’s not a bad pain, and for the most part I don’t even notice it during the day because life distracts me but when you’re laying in bed staring at the ceiling and the pain is there, it’s much harder to ignore. My ADHD pays attention to it much like your tongue pays attention to a new cavity. It takes all your power to not think about it constantly. 

This particular pain is reasonably mild. It’s just more of a back cramp that doesn’t go away and there’s no position in my bed that I can put my body in that lessens it. I suspect that to some degree it is based on dehydration and drug use although I can’t confirm that and it’s been quite a few years since I’ve had access to a doctor. 

So it’s become a bit of an irritation. A bit of a fear that this could be the one that sticks with me and I just have to deal with it like some of my friends have been doing much of their lives. It is indeed a superpower that you learn to live with in order to be able to exist and not be so negative that no one wants to be around you because you complain about the pain all the time. 

It’s a shocking superpower that some people deal with better than others. For me, it’s hard to concentrate and get things done when my second train of thought is always the pain. Usually I like my brain to be able to pop between two or more things to think about but when one of them is always pain it changes the way you think and then I start to think about all of the ways it changes the way I think. 

So it’s Saturday and I woke up at 5:00 a.m. and I’m quite tired. I can solve that with some medication but it catches up on you. It’s almost 8:00 a.m. now and I’m already starting to feel like I could nap another few hours. I have a few customers that are a little bit angry at how far behind I am with them. 

My intention is to go feed the animals then come back inside and work on those tasks but if you’ve read any of my blog, you know that’s probably not going to happen and even me admitting that to you and to myself is not a good solution. Expecting failure is a way of life for me and admitting it is not half the problem and have the solution. 

Now I have a new thing to blame. Previously it was a mental block that was difficult to justify to customers but now being in real pain makes it easier, which makes it more difficult for me to get past. 

We’ll see how it goes. If I’ve learned one thing living my life, it’s that I never quite know what I’m going to be doing from moment to moment and even if I say I’m failing, sometimes those are the most productive times. 

A good example of this is demonstrated in this post which originally had nothing to do with the pain. I picked up my phone to block something else and this is what came out. It surprised me as much as anyone. 

End of part 1