It’s 530am and my vision is blurry as I type this on my phone. The text is small but if I squint,  I can see it enough to correct obvious errors. I’ve walked down the hall to pee with Chloe and I’m back in bed now  but without anything to chew on, and nothing to inhale, it’s a totally different feeling.

My stomach is ready to complain but at the moment it’s still waiting. It’s not used to a morning with nothing at all. I scam my options mentally and debate going back to sleep for a while but I know from years of experience my day will go much better without the weird zombie effects of the second sleep. It’s that extra strange tired feeling that accompanies an interrupted natural cycle where I feel like I’m awake but not quite. I can’t keep my eyes open for the first part of the morning.

It passes but I’m much better off waking up when I wake up and starting my day with a bright light and some brain tasks like blogging. Even without the morning meth boost, I’ve always preferred being a quick start morning person. Not as quick as I used to be for sure, but early riser, clearly robbed works better for me.

I tell myself this break isn’t going to be horrid. I’ve rationed myself poorly this time, but I rea)y do need a bit of a tollerence break. I’ve said that the last two our three times but managed to not go a single day without something to exhale. It’s hard to claim I’m not an addict when I plan and keep using less and less but managing to re-buy in the nick of time without missing a day.

Even now, my brain is scanning to think if how I can find one dot on the side of pipe somewhere in my collection. I have a tiny bit of bong water to boof (up my ass) and a bit of a white bong stem to melt. Another day without being without.

The chocolate is what I miss more (I tell myself) without knowing if that’s true or a mental comfort. It’s weird how they both run out when I’m also out of food. I have four Eggo waffles in the freezer but no syrup. That may be my food for the day.

But I never fully know where the day will take me. I juggle money, arrange transportation and ask for favours until it’s tomorrow and everything resets.

Time for my first water and begin the distraction of social media. The real addiction of seeing the fake lives of other people and creating the fake story of my own. My hybrid life of reality and fiction on display. And I say I like it and it’s been a lot worse than today.

I’m living above the depression of living where being content is a win.

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Edit: Another day ever do slightly buzzed, or spun as the slang dictates. Some energized bong water boof and the last of the side stem white powder scrapings made me error prone to do one or two stupid things during the initial intake but those may have been by my ADHD on a normal day just as easily. Those moment when you do something with the for knowledge that an error might happen, and then it does are a cornerstone of my life. I just care less under the influence.

Time to start my chores. I’m wide awake.