I have grown accustomed to knowing that my good ideas will be internally reviewed, and most likley rejected by the negative part of my brain. I know from experience that it will crush my joy. Because of this, I often don’t share my ideas, even if they’re just silly fantasies, like this one.
I have often said that I am a reactionist. I have modeled my life after being taken care of. I wait till people tell me what to do or talk to me. I don’t function very well without an immiiate objective, and never have. When I was a kid, it wasn’t yet named or discovered. I was just a failure.
There are a lot of stories in my journals and memories to tell about how awkward I am, and that I basically pretty much avoided the whole sex experience. Whether it be by choice or by default is still to be determined. As noted, I’ve lived a life we used to call lazy, but later discovered it was a recognisable trait in those with similar brain types to me. We are creatures of the NOW.
–sidebar: I notice I am typing slower. I shared several of my pices this week with 7 select friends. They were extreme examples of how my near-cray brain thinks, transcribed at the speed of my fingers. They were filled with errors and tangents and open ended story cliffhangers. I have no way of concieving how these will be interpretted by an outside voice. In my head, I shine with pride as I read some of my passages. I am confident in my style overall, but I understand this style of thought-to-text is a new way of writing. Is it an art form? Could it be “a thing”? It’s pretty amazing what becomes a thing these days. It’d be easy enough to believe that only a few people and companies have the power to make anything “a thing” on the Internet. We named them memes but lots of people attain instant fame online, in different degrees. It terrifies me.
I don’t want to be famnous.
I just want a few fans.
That is the beauty of the Internet, and it’s perhaps my most fascinating imagination scenarios. I’ve been bold to make a few predictioons in my growth as a computer geek. Some were fails, like saying I didn’t really think spam would be a problem, but I did predict the idea of hand held full computers that shared data with your desktop. In fact, I predicted the next generation of computers I think. We’ll see.
I return to the content of this writing. It has occurred to me, that one possible avenue would be to sell my story as a reality TV show. My near virgin status and inability to talk to women before they talk to me.
I need to learn to ask.
Period… because it’s pretty amazing how long I’ve lived without really asking for very much at all. I am the answer guy. I’m at home being the one people turn to for answers or solutions. It is my greatest joy, to be the reason for the smile on their face.
In a ying yang universe, I am equally crushed emotionally by being the one who fails. My own personal hell is to be subjected to the faces of the people I dissapoint, and then somebody starts yelling. I am emotionally stabbed by how I’ve inconvenienced you.
Creating a life and lifestyle of support, I was able to feed my addiction for smiles, and get praise as well. My childhood dream had come true. I was making smiles for a living, 9 times out of 10.
I lived a happy life without dating or sex. Every year made it harder. Every year made it easier.
At 50, I was faced with living alone for the first time in my life. There would be no roomate, no girlfriend, no couple upstairs. I was alone. A co-dependant man of 50 with an inability to take care of himself. I only react. I won’t wash if nobody tells me to.
Let me be clear that I have evolved continually since the day a co worker gave me a book about A.D.D. probably about age 25. The case studies in that book were retellings from my own experiences. All my failures were common, and to some extent, explainable as not being my fault, and living up to my potential was because of this different chemestry.
However, I had still not dated. I had one dance in high school and I remember it. My first dance. It was with the sister of my best friend. I suppose I could tell the story as a pitty dance, but I prefer to tell it as… ummm… no. Pitty dance is poling higher as the better answer. Point awarded to the dark thoughts.
I stop when I type something like the above. Point to the dark thoughts means something to me, but I can’t make up my mind whether sharing it here without explanation is bad form. I keep reminding myself that, although there is freedom in writing to break whatever rules or guidelines for writing. It was my intention to refer to it in other contexts until the reader learsn what I mean. Is it acceptable to expect the reader to …
This is an example of a discussion between the dark negative thoughts of my brain, and the light happy positive thoughts. Because I live and write alone, my only sounding board is the other voice in my head, so naturally when I say; do i look fat in this dress, the answer will be negative. I don’t want to appear crazy too early, and I fear I may be. My mother told me once, If you’re asking whether you’re crazy or not, you’re still ok. It’s one that stuck with me as a good rule. Always question my sanity.
So here I am at 52. I look younger I believe, and if I allow myself to die away some gray, I’d look younger I think. I’ve had some therapy that heled me greatly, and I have a new found beginner level of confidence replacing some deeply held esteme issues.
I know and can say with confidence that I am a great choice. Sadly, the truth is I still have difficulty saying it, even if I believe it fully. I still shy away from the ask.
I need to create scenarios where I am reacting to the universe, and it provides an opening line for us. I strongly believe many others are in the same posution. The fear of rejection is stronmg with many. I’m still uncertain whether it just doesn’t exist in the worlds of those with confidence…
I think there are many great ideas in the industry of providing opening lines to couples, be in in the bar, club, online or anywhere else.
My motto, or affirmation you might say needs adjutement because it is simultaniously a god thing and a bad thing, and the negative thoughts can use this power for evil, instead of good. I wish I could remember the actual batman quiote.
I write my own story, both for public and personal.
If I believe it, it is so.
My story can replace reality
The only thing it takes to change your universe
is to change the way you tell your stories
I apologize. My mind wanders because it is conditioned to change the topic when sex is being discussed. Like an alcoholic might not want to watch you drink, I’m equally inexperienced in the fantasy of sex, or …
In general, my mind has passed the moment, and although I still think I’d make good TV, I fear it may be more laughing AT me than with me.
I change at glacial speeds
I am working on change. I am melting the ice myself rather tan waiting for the sun to rise tomorrow.
** I thought, just for a second that this is 2016, and I can now say “I literally change at glacial speeds” and Meridian or Oxford say it’s good. You can still ridicule me if you like, but language has always grown and those who oppose a word today are he same as every generation of conservatives.
Change? Noooooo! Will I lose my slaves? It’s going to take a long time to get over that anger at change.
Sorry… almost ranted into political stuff…