This may be a draft. If you’re reading it, I beat the odds and my brain and published. I’ve tried many times. Already, I’m stalling. I don’t seem able to express my truth. I’m not what you’re looking for. I will fail and feel sorry for wasting your time. I can’t flirt. I can’t do phone sex or dirty talk. I wish I could, but at my age, I’m telling you I’ve tried. It ends badly and phone sex should pretty much always end well. It’s the ending that makes phone sex good… Or so I imagine.
I’ve never been a sexual person and the imposter syndrome effects kick in hard when I try because essentially I am trying to mimic what I think sexuality is like, but without the internal passion or horny feelings I can only assume other have.
In place of real sexual feelings, I just have my regular overthinking brain obsessing over how poorly I am at this every moment of the attempt. People who have genuine sexuality have the amazing capacity to block out the logic for the session.
Sexy talk is just absurd without that filter. It’s a different reality you have to enter and the passion is what blocks your brain from hearing what you’re actually saying. I don’t have that. I just hear the words and try to recall what I think should work as a reply.
I’m not getting hard for it. I’m stressing so much, I tend to break through your filters too, and neither of us have fun.
Then I run away, hang up, or change the topic and try to be amusing enough to salvage it, but it’s not the same mindset they wanted so we disconnect and I sigh, having failed exactly the way I expected. I should not try again, but I probably will.
I don’t like the failure. I just hope, and failing may be expected and shameful but I sincerely wish it wasn’t assured. I wish. I try. I fail, but it passed the time better than not trying. Sometimes platonic friendships form from the wreckage.not usually long term because people need sex.
I am just not built for releasing myself from the absurdity of not being me for a moment.
I’m not totally happy with this description but it’s the morning and I have to start my day so I’ll leave it here like this..
