I pretend I belong in their world. I browse “Leo’s List” now and then, and I joined several Reddit groups where oversexed horny people talk in a language as foreign to me as Klingon. Sexy talk.

Over the years I have ventured into that world with confidence boosted by one drug or another. With optimism only a good dose can provide. Maybe this time, it will be different. Of course it never is. I walk away with shame, feeling guilty for wasting the time of whoever it was I flirted with this time.

A small part of the problem is that the amount of drugs needed to get me to try is slightly more than the amount of drugs I need to be able. That’s a very small portion however and the major reason is because I just don’t think I can. Or rather, I overthink everything. I am an old man now and I do not have the experience or mental capacity to be sexy. 

As an asexual man I still find women and breasts attractive but beyond that, I don’t seem to have what it takes to get horny or experience the passion that normally blocks out the overthinking that would come along with sex. My experience with women doesn’t really get past the initial introductions before my overthinking makes me awkward and my awkwardness makes me overthink. 

So instead of being the charming person I know I can be in a normal conversation, everything goes to shit when I realize I’m not ready to participate in that world. Sometimes I make a comment on a red posting and the replies teach me that I’m not like the others. I never really got dirty jokes and locker room talk and even flirting does not come without overthinking. 

I would like that. I would like to be able to participate in that world. Even though my choices are limited by the fact that I’m 62 they are far more limited by the fact that I don’t know what to say in those situations. I don’t know where to put my hands I don’t know anything and so overthinking about being awkward explodes into a whole situation where I just need to run away. In the past running away has cost me over $1,000 couple of times and under $1,000 several times. Yet I still try. 

I was a little disappointed that the city that I moved to got rid of all the strip clubs which was, for me, the entry level into that world and even when I’m paying for the woman on my lap, I am awkward and uncomfortable and do not show my appreciation physically. But at least when I run away it only cost me $60 or less. 

I don’t have a solution and despite the trial and error of my 40 plus years experimenting, I will continue to be hopeful that the next time will be the one.