I’ve already lost my nerve.
Right up until the page to edit or create my blog appeared, I was excited. My mind was aflood with the possibility of success, and just the right touch of fame.
I don’t want to be famous.
I just want a few fans.
That’s my first T-Shirt mention. As we grow together, you’ll get to know me, and either hate these blogs, or love them. I see no reason why I can’t have a few fans. I am smart, but not all that knowledgable. I like to believe I have some unique wisdoms on the world, worthy of sharing.
But I can’t decide how to do it. How to take the writings I’ve been creating in secret for years and years, and benefit in some way. I am one of those people who has tasted the joys of income without work, but in a successful business, rather than frivious lawsuit. But I’m Canadian, and we either don’t “go for” that type of lifestyle as much as we are led to believe the Americans do. It may be true, or it may just be part of the package that is Canada.
If it is obvious how individual news teams favor stories, I wouldn’t expect any less from a Government. I am proud to be Canadian, and half again as proud that I am not AMerican.
And there is nothing wrong with that.
PRIDE vs SHAME
Pride always wins.
Pride is part of the list of Government duties we never think about.
I believe that job creation and stabliazation is the most important job any government tries to regulate, than any… and we don’t think about it.
I believe, in an odd unsure way, that the only reason computers are still hard, and fail, is because somebody knew… computers would illimiate a million jobs or more, and unless there was something to repl;ace it with, the copuntry was doomed.
Computers are hard and break and crash, and viruses and spyware anmd everything, creates more jobs than it replaced. Computer support and programming and sales keeps the cpountry employed, when the factories and accountants use computers – that don’t work.
My living is made by the fact that computers are hard. I happen to be pretty good with them, so I dedicated my life in the direction of problem solving and trouble shooting in a nice way, that people seem to like.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A NERD
TO BE GOOD AT COMPURTERS
T Shirt #2.
So here is my deal. Every once in a while, I get in a mood, and write. I write as I think, and I transcribe the flow of ideas.
Some would refer to it as rambling, but at all times I atempt to maintain a readable format, and alomsitr conversational style. I would like to believe we can work out some of my problems together. Me, and a stranger who leaves a comment.
I except to see my share of “you suck” messages, or “you’re a fag”, which I’ll say now, I am not.
People think I am. I have a pretty good feeling that a few of my close friends or aquantences may not think I’m gay, but if I ever admitted I was, they’d be the ones saying they knew it all along.
I toyed with the concept over several long self discovery nights, because despite not being gay, I also don’t seem to have enough of the hetro team to crave sex. The drive.
At least, I didn’t. I didn’t date in school. I didn’t date after school. I didn’t date till my late 20’s.
Let me re-define the above statement. When I say I didn’t date, I in fact mean… I didn’t really pay attention to girls, or even women at all. No dates, No kisses, No first base. Maybe first base is kissing – I wouldn’t know.
I grew up believing there was a third category between gay and hetro that included me. I could be friends with you, but I didn’t think about dating, or sex.
It came later, but I lead a full active life of stories that I will share over the next few blogs. I am excited again about the possibilities.
Let me now explain that this is by no means my first attempt. I have been writing for years, and at least a third of them are written to be the FIRST letter the public sees.
Book Title Idea: Jeff Goebel; 101 Chapter Ones.
I don’t finish things. When the exciotement of NEW weins, or is distracted, I lose the moment, and the momentum is lost.
Let me explain my biggest theory…
That was a well timed interuption. A knock on the door from the people who live with me.
Following the accidental segue (sic – say segway) into that topic, I’m a 43 year old mail that is a little different, inside, but pass as normal outside.
It takes a lot of mental effort sometimes.
I have so mucg to tell you, and so many theories to share, but I want to do it slow, maintaining a mystery like the next episode of LOST, or HEROES… both Pop culture hits in the year 2006. I watch and enjoy them both, and future versions of this blog may contain reviews or comments about those shows or others.
If I decide to include all my writings in this live real tiem auto-biography experiment, then I’ll have quite a few rants abot TV.
I do watch a lot of TV, and it’s middle of the road quality. I enjoyed the West Wing, and enjoyed the topic, and enjoyed a little bit, that I knew a whole lot of people just couldn’t watch it. I’m glad to be on the side that can handle it.
And yet, there are shows above me, so I know my place.
In fact, middle is my middle name. Normal, invisible, middle.
I shop, mainly to stay in nmiddle class. I live in plush accomodations when I can, and drive a new car every three years. I was affording $1500 a montgh plush… not crazy. My car is a Honda Civic, but always the Si Version.
I know I care way to much what other people think, and I strive to be non offencive in my public image. All my clothes are one colour basic jeans and a polo shirt. That’s a T shirt with a colar, but somehow not a t shirt.
Idea: Why not make Polo shirts with all the slogans.
Slogan: Like Laureal, I’m worth the colar.
Other Idea… Hmmmm. I have not given myself the trust to expose all my business ideas in this blog. Not yet.
The truth is, in writings previous to this, I do occasionally go off on a tangent and list a new T Shirt slogan, a book or chapter title, a new discovery of my brain, or society, or an invention.
However, I also have a habbit of coming up with feasbale business ideas in the middle of thought, and I used to include them too. In my book, you’ll be able to see them all.
I am self employed, and a moderate sucess, in that I have been able to afford a middle class gadget loving, often early adopting lifestyle, like the one I remember from child hood.
We had the first Beta 1 hour VCR, the first microwave, the first coffe maker. I remember when my dad bought a $99 stud finder, or brought home a Commodore small hand-held calculator. My memory recals it was $700, but I don’t think that can be right.
I spend a lot of thought, when in a writing mood, on who I am, and how much is brain type, and how much is evniornment, and how much is because of my chemical balance that makes me have low self esteme, A.D.D and a slight compulsion issue.
I am me, and I have been enjoying discovering what that means over the past few years. It’s all come out in writings you may never see, but I am excoted about telling it all over again, in public.
It’s a risk, but when I think twice, I can’t figure out what the risk is.
I’ll start off by saying; I believe that brain types, or chanical balances are not imbalances. I believe humanity survives because we have different species of human, just like other animals. I don’t want to compare humans to dogs in print, because with my luck, that’ll be the tag line reprinted in my first media exposure.
I just mean, I believe diferent brain types exist, and serve different needs. Like everything else in nature, it is hard to know which came first with cause and efect, but overall – earth is doing pretty well.
Human are evolving, and I’m not going to b e the one that says I don’t think humanity is going a different way than intended, but I will say life is a whole lot different once you start looking at humans like another animal on a planet that supports life.
We’re not alloowed to see this currently.
Society has done a very nice job and maintainingh a slower evolution, and guided us into a man-made way of life. Mostly controlable.
The greatest invention of all time is church.
the Worst invention of all time, was religeon.
Don’t get me started. I’m working on a whole religeion of my own, but it’s not even a cult yet.
More on that later.
Book Title: MORE ON THAT LATER
Idea: Aha! If I do these blogs regularly, I may change that to BLOG TITLE. Tomnorows edition can be cvalled that.
End of part one.
A break. Caused by the slighytes of distractions and loss of excitment.
The monet in time where NEW becomes OLD
Current never counts.
See also: Theory of NOW
I shopuld redo that… maybe later.
Ok… We’re mid-way through a session. I’ll only continue if there is feedback. If I’m just a crazy rambling fool, and this is unreadble drivel… then …
Then I’ll still do it. I wish I could trust myself.
Ok… back to the big one. I believe, at least at this stage of my life and development, that I am a “reactor”.
Some people interact. I react.
I once comparred it to a vending machine, and although I thought it was a silly anaolgy, it made pefect sense to my friend, so I coninue to explain it thnis way.
When you meet me, I am normal. Happy, smart, charming.
When you walk away, I shut off.
I don’t do anything first. I don’t break the ice. I don’t say Hello.
If you make me react, I am amazing, but if you don’t – nothing gets done.
My life, has been created to suit this mental roadblock, only recenmtlky discovered and named. I work in a support industry, after finsiheding a loyal 15 years in computer retail through it’s birth. I am proud of my days as assistant manager of one of Toronto’s most famous Commodore shops.
I currently earn my income, 100% based on reacting. People call me, and I solve their issues or answer their questions, or book a personal visit.
I also own a hosting company, and I don’t want to share with you how easy that is.
But I am proud that my mini empire is built on my own personality and philoso[hy of NO EVIL for my customers. Each is a friend, or a friend of a frioend.
I am proud of who I am. I’m a middle of the road, so the right thing kind of guy. I break a few laws on the hiway now and then, but otherwise, I am almost Christian safe in my normalcy.
I only recently identified that about me. I looked in my closet one day and a lightbulb came on… energy saving, so I had to wait an extra second, but it suddenly occured to me; I wear non offencive clothes. They say nothing about who I am. They’re neithral.
I am afraid to buy a hawian shirt, or almost any pattern.
That was big.
I get those kind of revalations now and then, mid conversatyioon.
A similar flow of excitement flushed my brain when I discvered the thoeryu of REACTIONISM.
It’s not uncommon, and if we look at the world, we probably can spot as many as half the world is filled with people, whether they know it or not, that “turn on” only when they’re reacting, and if nobody is saying HI, they’re life can succeed.
I was lucky in many ways. Almost everything that has ever happened to me, has happened to me. I have lost the ability to make dicsions and get things done on my own, like a leg needs to be retrained after a cast removal.
That sentence didn’t come out right, but at least for now, I believe I am more interesting if I do not edit my work. The whole point is, that it’s one semi-continuous stream of what I think… as I thin k it.
It will be spell checked, unless fan requests the REAL original. I type reasonably well, and spell far better than I did as a youth, but it’s still not perfect, and I can’t afford to edit or correct because I’ll lose the moment.
I often lose the mpment. The instant NEW becomes old and loses the umph.
I have a term for it, but I’m not readfy to share it yet. I want to register domains and companies sometimes before I give them away.
I’m not against giving things away. You are free to use any T SHIRT slogan you see listed here, but we’d love a photo opr a link back in trade.
My ultimate goal in life, is to create income potential for people who don’t want to work. You may call them artists, or freeloaders, or potheads, but I bleieve that certain brain types are not suited for jobs… and that isn’t thjeir fault.
I am not saying that all unemployed people are bums, or that anyone should be called a bum. I’ve just spent a lot of time with people who live without work, and hope to never have to change that.
My ex-mate was like that, and I loved her. I loved her life, and lived in it for many years.
End of Part 2.
To be honest, I didn’t actually break the first time. I was away from the keys less than 5 econds before typing more. My usual attention span for a ramble is far less than this, but today had the added excitement that when I am done, I can press SAVE and it will be to late.
The poitential to be seen and read is there, and you can never take it back.
A bit over dramatic for a blog that nopbody knows about, but the point is – it is an uncontrlable universe. We can’t predict what will be the next AYBABTU (All your BAse are Belong to us) or Star Wars Kid.
When they only have a paragraph to dedicate to the first two decased of computers, ot’ll be interesting to nsee what makes the cut. William Hung might, and that’s facsinating.
I am afraid of that kind of fame, because I am a reactionist with an obcession for how I am perceived, and
Well.. lets just suffice to say, I am terrified of not having a handler.
Best friends are not the same at 43 as they are at 18. They might drive you to the airport or help you move, but they can’t replace a mate.
Aside: As of 2006, gay marriage is still in the news, In 10 years or so, when it’s just the waY it is, I wonder if the other non-gay same sex or co-ed co-habitators willd demand rights.
I am for the room mate lifestyle.
I have a theory in fact, that there may be more males pretending to be gay,m than we think. I do not deny that homsexuality exists, and is all part of the concpt of life, and brain types fitting a puzzle.
But if you’re not gay, the idea of living with a man as your life parthner is actually quite attractive to people who are content with separtating sex from love.
I have seen in the world, that sex partners are not always the best life partners.
I never reallky got into sex. Even today, I’ll admit to only haveing had one partner, and nearly zero experience. I’m not sure how much of that part of my crazy I’ll share.
T SHIRT: CRAZY UP FRONT
You show me your crazy
I’ll show you mine
I’m a believer in being up front with my crazy.
I want people to know that A.D.D is a legitimate excuse for some of my behaviorla flaws.
It conveniently gets me out of things, but for the right reaons.
I was told that I am excempt from Jury duty if I have A.D.D and I can understand why. When people talk nfor more gthan 30 seconds without pause, I start wandering.
Its something else I have mastered dealing with, and I just interup and ask recap style questions as needed.
I does however, mean I wasn’t so great in school.
I had a philosohpy; If I understand something, I don’t need to remember it. I’ll understand it next time.
I didn’t know of ADD in school. I just knew that I was exclelent in class, when the teaching was live and interactive, but reading was nearly impossible, and procrastination and fear kept all my assignemnsts till the last minute plus a day, or not at all.
It was later in life that I realized, in hindsite that I wasn’t really getting 55 in all my classes. I was really failing, and being let through.
I was learning the essentials. I know the names of clouds, and the types of hills glaciers leave.
I mastered enough knowldge to fit in, wth preset stories and anicodtes.
Now, like Shaharizod, I leave you with an unfinished story. My head is saved another day. I’d be interested in comments, as these will forcve me to react.
End of Part 1.5