I need to sleep tonight and eat well. My mood has been a bit more unstable this past week or two as I’ve been blogging and more aware of things. At least I think more aware. A good friend noticed a change but we didn’t continue the conversation after I tried the “im fine” line. My drug use will always be an issue for some, and he’s one of the rare adults that maintained staying away from cigarettes and drugs. He kept closer to the perfection path than I did.
I’m noticing things too. This is the first time I’ve maintained daily use without a break. I usually have a period where I stop and step back and evaluate some of the choices I thought were good, but are not quite as ideal without the spun spin. It’s hard to take a break voluntarily. I know I can but you when you are living in a life where all your decisions seem correct and good, then the decision to keep going seems correct and good.
In my blogs lately I have made justifications that I might be a little ashamed of when viewed in the future. My fear of being seen as arrogant or egotistical might have taken a backseat to the arrogant and egotistical person that I might have become without noticing. I don’t think it’s that bad though
I also noticed I don’t feel like doing things. Part of this is because I got so used to not doing things when I lived in the Niagara home. Many of my bad habits were picked up there but also under the influence of daily usage. Mostly.
But the mood just doesn’t hit me the same way when the families has let’s go to the market. When I walk around with people I no longer feel some of the joys that I used to. Bookstores used to be fun to look through and now there are almost none left and I can’t spend 5 minutes in them. I don’t like shopping at all because the poverty lifestyle has made almost everything out of my reach.
Today I went to Walmart and had plans to fill the car with $50 of gas and get a haircut and I ran out of money at the grocery store. Not completely out like I have in the past but low. Everything seems to have gone up so high in just two years. The fast food hamburgers are now over $20 in many cases for one person or at least very close. 17 perhaps if you don’t get an apple pie.
Unfortunately it’s very difficult to determine the reasoning behind changes in personality it’s very difficult for me if not for everyone to remember what I was like last week or last month or last year I am always me at every given moment and don’t know this change in much the same way parents don’t see their children grow as much as grandparents that may only see them once a week or once a month. You’ve gotten so big is a statement people make when they don’t see you for a while but I see myself everyday.
Oh yes. I’ve also really gotten to accept being a slob both in personal hygiene and general tightness of my room and the bathroom that I share. They’ve complain three times and it may be the thing that causes the most tension. The more I learn about ADHD the more I seem to be using it as a crutch to become even lazier than I was and if you know anything about me, I really don’t like doing things especially if I don’t enjoy them but in some cases I just don’t see it. They keep telling me to clean the bathroom and every time I go in there I I look around and I say to myself what is there to clean.
And if I try hard enough I look can I go oh boy the mirror is filthy so I clean the mirror and look around again. Maybe next time I’ll see something else I have a hard time attributing these qualities too my drug use but it is quite possible that it has become worse when I am content to do nothing because I am content being spun.
I spend a lot of time online socializing on the most basic level with people searching for praise wherever I can. Everyone is what I used to call level 1 friends. They won’t drive you to the airport or help you move and they might come to her birthday party if you invited them but in this case almost all of them are not in my city so that’s changed the social environment. I am almost as much a hermit here as I was there except that the people who live in the house directly above me don’t yell and don’t have insane rules. They are not control freaks.
Which certainly could mean that in their heads they are building resentment and it will come about in some way in the very near future. That’s what I worry about now.
But it’s 5:00. I’m back from Walmart and time to go check on the animals 1 hour later than usual but since they don’t really need feeding anymore that’s not a big issue.
I’ll talk to my YouTube audience by camera and everything will appear to be fine. Two comments to my YouTube community have come through from people that are aware of the other side of me but they’ve been polite enough not to be obvious in there exposing. It’ll happen when it happened sent I’ll deal with it and until then I throw it over the wall of tomorrow like everything else