On ecstacy Hey. From the first time we chatted on the webcam site years ago, I knew I like you. A peer with storues, no fear of drugs, and similar likes to mine.I rememenbr duing our initial chats, I was…

Letter To L

On ecstacy

Hey. From the first time we chatted on the webcam site years ago, I knew I like you. A peer with storues, no fear of drugs, and similar likes to mine.
I rememenbr duing our initial chats, I was asking fr guidance. I knew I could love you, but I remmebr you setting romance off the table early.

I’m ok with that. Romance is stress and obligation and my low self esteem eventually ruins it with guilt.

Today I want to share some truths I could never bring myself in person. I’m open to discussion, and lolve to share who I am with others, if they care. I just don’t have it withgin me to start these conversations because I can\t predict rwactions, and I plkay it safe.

MY entire life is reacting. I sledome start.

So here are my crazies

 

I have a.d.d. While lots of people say this, you’vbe probably already noticed some of the symptoms. I change conversations and break long stories. I ask for recaps and re-exlain things in my own words. I can’t loistenh to any store more thana few minutes without interaction and distraction, and if I fall behind because I suddenly became interested in the curve of youyr liol as hyou speak, I need to refocus and catch up.

I also don’t know how toi end a conversation, so I oftren jsyut stand up and walk away.

It’s easy to live with an A.\D..D. male who undersgands it, and has builkt up almost 50 yesars of coping tricks for myself, and my friends.

I have low self esteem, whiuch I b elieve is a brain things and will never go away. I have developed coping mechanisms and tricks, and I often use pride and reflection to break the downward spirlk, but you must understand that LSE is in me always. I am seldom confident bthat I have worth, and are worthy of a relastioship.

I need a partner to keepo that in check.

I ovcess. This is the word one, because my brain developos scenariois for everything, and these always include negativity. Whenever I am enjoying something, the low self esteem and the obcesstioin creates doubt and guilkt.

Even in all oiur fun advantires together over this peat hyear ansd bfreo, I always have guilt.

I do not live alone well. I need interactrion.

I exist to serve and support. I am the buddy, the sidekick, the assistrant. I have found a home in support because it’s who I am. I am a support person.

A smile or a laugh changes me. I feel it. The difference a smile can make can change my mood instantly, an d if I created it – I’m bonus joyous. This abiklity to make people smile is what drives me.

It sucks alone.

Ok.. now sme harder stuff.

I found drugs at age 27 and they have helped and imnpiored me to self disvcover. I still do them, in chycles. I need the mnental bvoost and they help me turn off the obcessiona dnlow self esteem just long enough to write.

I write a lot.

I have written at least 3 or 4 letts to you proio to this one.

My drug of choice is acid mixed with, called candyflipping. I love acid. I also have done coke and crack and cough medicine in my past, but they didn’t really help me write, so I don’t My brain doesn’t respond to coke or the opiate drigs.

Weed makes me write.

E makes me think different and confess. On E I also always want to go inbto business with people,m but mores on that later/.

Next biggie: I am almost a virgin. I had akward training sex with an uinattractivce person at age 33 and not since.

I am not gay, but romance with a woman blolw my mind in obcessive stress and negativity. MY A.D.D makes forplay difficult. I either do things for onlky a few seconds before changing, or I ovcess my joy out and turn into a robot performing a task, coldly.

So I stopped dating and trying. I get my joy from helping others.

And occasional driug orgasms.

In my business life, I am super proud of what I’ve done with m custoimers, but secretly I’m a business mess. I lose income ever y ear and hve to keep giving up nthe luxuriues that once kept me happier in middle class.

I hve never promoted myself r looked for new clienst.., ever.

I have about big debt, which I totally ignore until something in the future makes me raecxt.

I have crested myself as an almost invisible person in the world. I don’t stir the pot and do much to be noticed. My wardrobe is “everyday guy” in a crowd, although I like to think my bright colours makes peop;le happier.

I ovbess over everything. Perception of my froint face.

When people get to know me, I can open up… but because of the obcession I have with you, I justy keep toi weekend activity partners, fantasizing about hold a hand, and terrified I’ll lose my activity partner.

IN my fantasy however, we could build my buess together and it would b e glorius. Above all, I respect who you are and your intellect and s,kills.

But I say nothing.

I’m terrified because I don’t know how to love. I knlow how toi support, and when bad things happens I can’t fix – I am destroiyed. MY emotions are directly linked to whomever I bond with, like that chick in Star Trek TNG. I bcoem a partner and my poartner becomes my priority., MY purpose. MY job.\

Buit the last time I had that, she slept with another guy for a year ands then wanted to take him to Thanksgiving dionner instead of me.

My low self esteem convinces me I am better off with activity parners, as technically – all of my 4 girl-friends have been.

I can make peoplelaugh, so I can be a ghood friend.

My obcession scenarios can be a downfall, especially with the A.D.|D symptom that means I often burst out opinions, often presented as facts. I don’t wait inside my head to evaluate commenst as I expect other people may. I offer unrequested WHAT IF devils advocates, and have the sad ability to DESTROY the joy odf others when they share happiness with me by asking a stupid question.

Or sasying something really dumb and/or mean.

Then I obcess over iot at night before bed.

Alone.

I need a guide. A companon. A sponsor. Somebody who just keeps me reacting. Orhganjization.

A live in.

I had it three times before.

None lasted beyond my paranoia and guilt phase. Less than 6 years it seems.

The part that almost makes me angry is that I do nhave confidence. I know full well my brain is special ands I can think ideas and thoughst others can\t. I hve a creative wonderful brain that just needs the right #1. I’ve bbeen a #2 for everyone else my whole`life.

Should I send this? Hmmmm… It’s hinest. Lets suggest these ereactions.

  • We could start an email excgange that is 100% separate from our wqeekend fun… almost likje a second personality, bjut not so crazy.
  • I want to answer any and all questions.

Or – we meet up somewhere and talk… ifd you REALLY want me to do it, allow me to be high. Maybe we BOTH smoke that weed you have and just talk forn a fe hours.

Orf – you suggest. Ignoire thius email and never talk of kit. Tht’s a hard genie to put back in nthe bottle.

 

Torn. I would never senmd this sober.

 

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