I last smoked at around 7pm and went to bed early. Not right after, but earlier than usual. I’m a little behind on sleep having stayed up all night Monday. It want very productive. Sometimes I stay up all night because I can’t quite break the barior and fall asleep. I just kind of lay there pretending to fall asleep until my head warms up and I turn over to the other side of face and repeat.

Thoughts sometimes keep me up. Sometimes it’s just the thought of wanting to fall asleep. More recently I’ve noticed an itch. Some nights it’s my ankles. Some nights it’s my upper chest and neck. Sometimes it’s the spot around my front waist, belt level. Scratching feels so good. So good I have a hard time not scratching,and then I break my skin and tiny red spots appear.  

That has happened on the spot where my socks end. I scratch my lower calf and have bloody spots on both my lower legs. I think to myself; thank God it’s not my face. Yet anyway.

I think about the photos and stories of meth users that I never understood. Nobody I know has that problem, and I know quite a few meth users. This week I realized I’m at the beginning of that phase. The meth isn’t the problem for those people with bad red spots all over their bodies. The real problem is not having meth. I know that means meth is the problem, because I’ve reached a point that is new to me 

I like it’s effects but it seems now my body has gotten used  to it too, and  it doesn’t want to do without. I would almost say I’m ok with that because I’ve always said addiction isn’t so bad if you’re doing it anyway  the issue now though, is my body is starting to demand it.

It’s 11pm on a Wednesday and I just scratched my belly vigorously while building anticipation of relief. I imagined a full evening of productive activities beyond what I would normally be capable of  my body was giving my brain  imagery of the fun times we’d have together tonight if I’d just bring it drugs. It was like a beer commercial. I just had to give in and wed party all night long 

I felt those feelings. I imagined how much I’d get done.  I considered it. I’m still considering it. I usually give in because I build anticipation strong enough that I convince myself I won’t be able to sleep now, so why not 

Many a blog contain similar thoughts about the late night choice. Do I? Should I? 

Resistance is futile  my mind is still serving up thoughts of how I will spend this wonderful evening. It’s my own brain so it knows what I like. What temps me. Even as I write this post hoping  this distraction will calm me down from things craving frenzie I am fully aware I will stop typing soon and then go over to my desk and indulge 

Tonight will be an all nighter but in 20 minutes after I watch some porn and masturbate the excitement will pass and I’ll realize I’m actually too  tired  physically because I haven’t had enough food or sleep and I won’t feel like doing all the things vs in the Wednesday all  night brochure. I won’t quite regret it because I’ve stopped the itch at least  physically and metaphorically, but the productivity won’t be there… So I’ll do more meth, write more blogs and then it’ll be 7am and I’ll do more meth to be awake and productive Thursday morning.

Hopefully to nap in the day, but possibly not  some times this repeats for two or three days until sleep isn’t complaining and I get to rest for a night. 

I say this is a new phase of my usage but it’s not   it may be more frequent but this has always been a part of my routine towards the end of the month. I run out of food and my usage  goes up to compensated, and I feel weak so my usage goes up to  compensate. 

My .money situation is low in November. My mood is low. It’s always a bad month leading up to the holidays, which are torchure for the poverty lifestyle. I think it’s time.

Time to party. Meth? Yes please. Let’s get productive tonight  the only hump day celebration I know 

End of part 1