Some days I feel like my depression medication isn’t working and I’m the way I used to be. Sad. Tired. Unmotivated. Today is another one of those days. It doesn’t help that it’s raining and grey and cold outside. I am energized by blue sky sunny days but I won’t be recharging from the weather this morning.
I’m on the bus to work on a Wednesday. Yawning every few minutes and wiping many moist eyes. I blow my nose and stop. Am I sick? Do I have a physical explanation to my current mood?
Another ailment I’ve been ignoring could be a sign. Perhaps my appendix is failing. I have a sharp knife-like stabbing pain in my lower right stomach that comes and goes. A Google search tells me very few people get a warming symptom like this. It comes with the other body reactions I’m going through. Time will tell.
In general, it’s not a new thing to have down periods of mood for me, and there are a particularly large number of negative life factors kicking my mood downward this time. I have an unmanageable amount of new debt sitting on top of my old debt. It’s the special kind I can’t ignore.
I have a number of unfinished projects sitting in wait that annoy me. Some annoy the clients as well, which works double duty in keeping me sad.
These combine to keep my dependable cash below zero, causing my eating and sleeping habits at new lows. That could be another factor in my health and happiness. I need to eat more, and more regularly. I need to eat now.
Enough days have passed sincemisplacing my wallet that I need to consider calling it lost. I did an exhaustive seat h yesterday but since I literally live and work in a 12×10 space, it was only exhausting because I hadn’t slept or eaten in a day or more.
The thought of how much effort replacing everything will be is stressful, do I put it off. I won’t really need anything from it for a while. St least I have photography of my Heath card in case my appendix ruptures today.
I say to myself, it will be ok. I’ll get through it. I’ve been through spells like this before. I’ve been low and hopeless before and made it through. It’s true of course, but equally true that each new low is a bottom that is a level lower than the bottom before. Bigger debt, less income, fewer option for support. Fewer friends.
I remember it’s not a repeat, but a continuing story, and with death being the only alternative to living through it, I wake up each morning and continue.
This is my life today. Let me see what I can do to see tomorrow. This is my stop… And do it begins again.
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