I’m on the second bus now. Each ride of my daily commute is about an hour and then I change from Toronto transit to Mississauga. This morning, I was out of sync. I took a bit longer walking at the…

Indecision

I’m on the second bus now. Each ride of my daily commute is about an hour and then I change from Toronto transit to Mississauga. This morning, I was out of sync. I took a bit longer walking at the transfer point and missed the first bus so I’ve been standing here doing nothing.

I’m high. Higher than usual so I’m extra fidgety. I want to be active in mind if not body. I want to chew. I’m hungry.

It would be a simple move to get off this bus anywhere along the route, grab some munchies and get on the next one but my brain considers that a risk. A break from routine that could have consequences.

It’s a silly thing, but my brain is programmed to coast. I find a rut and live there. Change requires the decision to change, and the willingness to risk what I have now in hopes the change will yield something better.

When you embrace your NOW, there is less reason to risk. This philosophy is deep in me. I don’t like to try new things. I eat the same foods over and over. I wear the same bland clothes for years. I’ve bought the same shoes for over 20 years.

When I am alone, there is little reason to change. To decide. When I am with others, I will take more risks to please the one I’m with. I will eben admit I like a lot of the things new friends have introduced to me. I evolve and my universe expands.

When I’m alone I go back to coasting.

I am alone a lot, and it has become my rut. I’m not sure I know how to get out of it and be social. I am trying to be more social, at least on theory. Drugs help. Drug friends are easy to meet if you have drugs. Many I call friends are cool complex people with a shared bond.

I’m complex too. Odd. Weird.

I crawl back to the safety of my rut.

I don’t make decisions and go with the flow. I ride my current where it takes me.

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