It’s 6:06 on a Sumday. I did not leave the house. I think I showered Friday. I have been getting worse. I have been doing nothing without a little more of the stuff.
I have been aware that at some point soon, the positives woud turn to the negatives, but when my justification started, I was still using the suicide plan.
The idea that I would live my life to the best of my ability in a satufactoiry quality of life as long as I can, and as age and heath decline, I would jist run away, and die. It was always a plan I called, JUST NOT TODAU.
Seriously, having an ending of my choosing seemed acomfort. You must understand that …
ding. Topic change points awarded to distraction team.
brief cutaway t…
The main distraction that broke the sentence was whether I should ever say you must in my writing. My brain stopped to consider if I;ve ever addrsedd the reader as YOU. I retained a lot of lmost everything I enjoyed learning about. I break many of the rules for jiournalsim writing, but bloggers pretty much have to be in first person. I suppose that means …
I wish I could ask my new google home. I’m still looking for a use for it. I think it’s real use is for people not me.
I’m OK qurh computers hearing every word spoken in this room.
duh. i have webcams on me 24/7
should I get an audence?
ding. there it is.
I have to do it.
and by it, I mean absolutley anything. I have the geratest of energy, self cpnfidence and pride. I know I can … and I stall. I don’t know I can. I’ve on try 54
But I don’t. Not realy. I don’t try at all, because not high Jeff turns off when there isn’t a task the interst him. And don’t freak out that I use hIM to refer to me. As I type, I am Orange Jeff… high as frog
Could an orange Frog logo be waaaay cooler than my current?
OoOo… I sqwee. Logo Contest.
insert 250 different cartoons about artists being asked to wirk for ffree or for the exposure. Then, show how many made their art being asked to be a porize… or
narrated by Morgan Freeman, “in the middle of that thought, his mouths dryness took the wheel and i rose to refreh. The last smaller bottle if waer remauns. At only 530pm, I will need a refresh.
ding ding ding
I live in fear of my room mate. I lived in far of my father. fear
i recently
rearranged self n bed to better type without pain.
So that thought just came into my head as I was describing that I new I’d have to interact with her at least once, if not twice tonight. I will possibly be up late again, although starting early was probably a good idea.
not starting at all would be better, but I am in my head making me feel like progress. It’s a show.
There is no progress without the first fan. I am terrified, but choose to tell the happy stories. I am terriied that I will live the rest f my life in this infinite loop or try fail, try fail try fail. I’ve seen what infinite loops are in my hell. I’ve scared myself with mind boggling deep recursions.
Wisom is gained each time you notice a loop. A story being repeated.
Wisdom is gained each year the earth rotates and you start to notice the same things over and over in each new generation. You start to understnd how things work, and connect.
If you’re an obcessive recrational thinker, you start to see conections on multiple levels.
I pause. The police drive by with sirens. I pause. Let me think… Anyone on my Wifi may be aware of the speed and … can I say cadence? Anyway, it’s certainly possible that my new Google home mini is hearing me types. It quite posible has an algorthym that could gues the words … naww… that’s for the sceinec fction writers…
ding
My right arm will suffer. It is sore. I have been doing too muh masterbation ever since I found the key for me.
ding. Screen saver flashed back to screen. Distraction. MY typing hand is also my … I drew a blank.
I am a child. In some ways, a disabled child. My skill is presenting myself as whatever you need me to be, or just trying to get one of my stories in somehow.
I have the belief that I do this very poorly when I have smoked weed. I second guess myself as I talk, and then regret and then run away feeling overwhemed.
I have put this to the test in real life occasionally, but many many times in Second Life. I think the problem there is, I go one toke more thnI should to have it as an EASY OUT excuse. My own version of the friend who calls to give you that out. I think that seems so forced that it might trigger a trust question that never gets resolved.
Tonight I did. My new toy needed to be worthy. I will struggle with the money I spent aabsolutlky needlessly. sigh. I will struggle even more if I
Can I go without the week again? I am using this never ending … is it crusendo. I am remeinded of a clip on CBC Radio in Canada about a tone that humans would hear as risng, but never beyond the same basic set. It souneforever rusing.
That is what these blogs are, and the videos, and the optomsim. I keep reminding myself how great some of these ideas are,m and almost everyt single one of the coud be started and run withiout any money at all… except the people I’d have to ask to do it for me.
So I loop. I live off the highs of optomsism that if I were to share mylf, I would learn if I was crazy, a genius or just intersting enough to want to read more.
I don’t want to be famous, I just want a few fans.
ding.
I had a few breaths and lul momenst there, but I did think back, and I may have left the impression that I was still suicidal for any day but not today as a plan.
While I can’t deny that it was an interesting but helpful scenario I’d toy with, the truth is, when I got to thinking in any sreious way, it wasn’t going to happen. It’s not for me.
I’m not sure how I feel about that, because I kind of glorified the idea almost as a belief. I do think that suicide should not be a crime, and that if accepted, it might actually lower the amount of teen suicides.
I recenytly have been hanging out in an online crowd .
ding
oh fuck.
That’s why I’m on the list
I’ve recently been hanging out in a social media innocently enough at first, trying to be funny and get a like or a heart if I was. They’re not as good as real smiles, but I can still feel them. Each thumbs up or heart or star is a pride point. My mind has adjusted.
I am sorry. I’ve decided I should not reveal the stories behind anythig that could be used against me if somebody else is telling a different story.
ding
so… message. If I were to make a cry for help, would I put it at the end of a blog I believe nobody will read? I can imagine a scenario where soemone with similr feelings might react that way.
I may have been guilty of that idea. I have trickle shared this blog with people I sensed might be inyterested, but many of the petrsonalities you meet in ceodn Life are charicters.
ding. I look up at the screen and see the red squigglies under all my typos. I know in my mind, how this will look to at least some people. If you mistake typing errors for mispellings, you are doing me a disservice. I know I don’t spell well, buyt I absolutky know I don’t type well, especially on thi much weed, and this keyboard.
However, I do know I like it when I get ino a good stream of thought and I;m typing so fats that I don’t come clos to the keys someimes.
I learned how to type incorrecly… fast.
I smile. I am still a fan of my roomate. We were best friends tiwce. On the third try, she needed me to be something else, and so our friendhip was sacrificed. I get to watch her recover and learn how to exist in this world.
She’s stubborn and slow, but it’s pretty much exactly as I remeber for me. I see a loop, and here a bell. Wisdom. I have been across this bridge and may have stories of advice.
All I had to do was ask. I didn’t ask. Asking usually meant somebody would yell.
Like Pavlov’s dog, the association melded well with my self worth issues. I was the genius 160iq child that wasn’t livng up to my potential and goofing off. I lived with that image till I learn about A.DD at 27. Then, I’ve lived with the notion that it’s ok to fail at everything because my brain just works that way.
I still believed my low self image was a chemical thing from birth, and although part of that may or may not be true, it’s clear that the environment for the first 5 years is …
I’ll wait for the edit to speak those words. I learned later in life more about my parents mental issues and understood more about myself. For the last four years of mental exploration, I have started creating the basis of my own universe.
[just asked my google home mini for the definition of the universe. It gave me the firt one, pretty sceintific stuff, but I was hoping …
lets test.
no, I could not say next definition. I think I might have been able to do so on my phone. I emeber that concept being built into google voice commands.
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