Let’s start with it. Â Drugs are kinda my thing, Â more so after 50 than before, Â but really – Â as far 0 0 0 back as I have memories, Â I have been fascinated with getting high, Â but too good to actually O it till quite late. Â I use 27 in my stories as the start of everything.
Around the same time I learned A. D. D. Â Was a thing, Â and it explained so much of my life. Â I started over thinking, Â taking after my father’s obcessive tendencies and my mother’s anxiety and what they used to call manic depressive. Â I never knew till years later, Â but all the memories I can recall vividly were of my mother’s unhappiness.
Not true. Â They were just the first ones that came to mind. Â I remember how shocked I was to read my mother’s university essays, Â for which she was receiving A’s.
I struggle with the idea of editing while I write. Â It almost always causes me to lose my flow and the story breaks. Â I wanted to write about the previous mini story, Â and whether or not it needs to be told.
I am the keeper of my stories.
I write my own story and stories.
Everything in my head is my interpretation of a second hand story or actual live event.
I learned my mother wasn’t very smart at some things, Â and I was sometimes embarrassed. Â My father called her stupid a lot, Â often to tears but I didn’t actually understand till much later how irritating it might be to live with a person you can’t use logic to settle disputes.
We are seeing that happening now in the USA. Â Logic doesn’t work against a belief because changing a belief means it was wrong. Nobody wants to fold first but they all know they’re bluffing. Â If they were not told to be against sex, Â abortion and change, Â they would not be.
Religion is Santa for many people, Â and the crazy bats hit faith is a part of it. Â It mocks you and asks you to have faith it is true.
L Rob Hubbard got it. Â He realized the power of community and a single mindset, is easier to control. Â He made up the religion part from a failed novel and asked his followers to believe. Â You’ve got to really believe.
I got lost. Â Where are my marshmallows?
Ah yes. Â Drugs.
Let me recap my life growing up as best I can in a paragraph that would fit on a JPEG in a cool, Â not quite Arial font. Â Orange.
I was always content in my situation.
Yadda yadda yadda
I chose drugs over sex, Â and avoided women till I was 32. My first kiss and sex was with the first women I ever had a second date with, Â and it only happened because she called me back. Â I didn’t have to ask.
I found a way to explore my inner mind and the universe I live in, Â every once in a while. After 50, that increased and became a problem which I have cut back from significantly.
However, Â I choose not to live without drugs, Â and every day I get closer to actually making an ask. Â Doing something. Â Discussing a real first step, Â which is to hire an assistant that doesn’t have A. D. D. Â And get things done.
I am now working while high on side projects. Â For too long I have had the ideas on weed, Â but they were always never spoken of again. Â What you invent in the smoke, Â stays in the smoke.
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I remember the first time I saw That 70’s show and the walls moving.
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This is a truth. Â I strongly suspect I will die from something related to the drugs, Â or my weakness because of the drugs. Â I know full well that I might die any time I get high, Â especially since I tend to get VERY high on quantities I don’t even confess to in my p[etsonaljournals.
There is a sound I heard on the radio once… Â CBC in the kitchen from a 1960’s am radio my Dad called screech, Â often quite loudly. Â He hated that radio and my mother would not change.
The sound is an audio trick which sounds like it is increasing up a scale, Â but never actually does. Â It is the eicher drawing in a sound.
That sound is an analogy of my life, Â since I was a child. Â I have optimism that I do not know what will happen tomorrow, Â but I bet it’ll make a Greta story.
I always feel like I am nearing the hill of completion. Â I always feel like I’m about to hit it big.
I never do. Â I am the tone walking up a down escalator. Â Energy spent, Â forward motion, Â negative.
I want to say, Â this time it feels different. Â It’s still slow, Â but I’m actually doing things.
My negative voice has a while voice. Â Don’t be so shuuuure he whispers. Â You’re still on that home square. Â Feeling like you accomplished isn’t like dreaming of basketball. Â It doesn’t make it happen.
I’m still really just being creative while high, Â and terrified to read it tomorrow because…
“Everything I write is perfect, Â until I share”
There is a fer I will lose my happiness and pride if a second set of eyes sees it. Â Is it # judge worthy? Â That is an absurd question.
Drugs. Â I am having great enjoyment getting high and thinking about the universe and the world and people’s brains. Â I know I babble like a mad man when I’m high, Â but it’s so much fun thinking ideas and feeling joy before negative voice, Â or a second reader crushes it.
I will probably die from drugs, Â and I think it is important for everyone… Â Or those who care, Â that it was never on purpose. Â I talk very casually about suicide being an easy and dignified way out from many problems that face me, Â but I also know it’s just talk to comfort me that I will not suffer like others I know.
Part of me does not want a girlfriend because then I have to care. Â I have to live and provide.
Part of me knows there is no way I could leave my customers so poorly prepared for my business to suddenly not have me. It would/will be a disaster.
I realize of course that if I were considering it, Â I would already have been honest to myself. Â I write my own story, Â and suffering to keep others happy isn’t actually as important as I’d devoted my life to being likable, Â and always bringing a smile and a solution or opinion.
I’ve lived very close to a polite, Â respectful, Â law abiding, Â rule abiding citizen. Â I have never run a red light in the middle of the country where the bedrest car is 5 minutes away. Â I have never…
Let’s just say, Â I’m a good mommas boy. Â My parents were very much my Santa. Â I wanted them to smile instead of yell at me, Â and as I understand it, Â I wasn’t very good at it. I was closer to Dennis The MNenace I think.
I even looked a bit like him in this photo.
I am much more terrified of not dieing than dieing. Â I don’t want to suffer. Â I whine far too much already and I appear to be quite healthy for an overweight sit all day eat horrible food and pop guy.
I am 53, and many people like me die by now.
Add to that, Â my tolerance for drugs and the extra quantities I ingest… Â I hope my hand isn’t on my cock and my 3D Vr headset complete with battery operated master baton tool that syncs with her speed.
I have a pact with Derek. Â He knows to come hide the porn. Â I know he won’t.
I didn’t really even discover porn till after 27.
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Recap, Â my life living and working alone is made bearable by the hobby of being creative on drugs and riding the wave of NOW.
End of part 1. Monday. Â Bad. Â Drugs have kept me up through 6am and will keep me up till late.
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