I walked into my kitchen two weeks ago, and there was a camera crew huddled in the other entrance like college kids trying to see how many they could fit in a telepne booth.

As I visualize that in my imagination, I suddenly remember; oh yah. I’m old. Many of my readers might not have ever seen a telephone, before they truncated the word, and the booth down to a payphone on a pole with two racing horse blinders on either side shielding the sides ofoyour head so thethe d kids can’t hear you.

I think I’m off to either a very bad start, or perhaps just interesting enough to want to read on. I promise you, I may not stay on target the whole time, but I promise you, if I remember it, it is a great story. It just might save us all. 

I wish the telephone reference wasn’t my opener. Even superman hasn’t used one since wonder woman taught him how to just spin your superhero wardrobe changes. She learned from that couple that did the exact same 3 minute routine all four rounds of elimination ion on that talent show. 

I remember. The flash of the lightbulb that afronted my morning and my friend Patrick was holding a huge sign up that said, fodon react. Pretend were not here. Patrick was also shhing me with the other finger.

I saw the envelope on the table next to a Big Brother Key. 

It’s hard to describe my own reaction because my brain exploded with questions and the two voices in my mind argued for a while over what to make of all this.

What seemed like 10 minutes of possible scenarios of that fantasy before the second voice popped in, and in a way I’d describe as the mental equibilant of a TV lawyer hanging one additional comment to make that he plays down as a throwaway  but instead changes everything, including my mind.

My second voice clears it’s throat, ahem. You do know you never signed up for big brother, right? 

I’m always pleased when the negative joy crushing second thought says its’ piece. I’d call it a Columbo remark, bit only those who knew payphones are likely to remember the original Columbo.

I word it that way because this is only 2072 and there were 6 Columbo reboots including 2 black ones, a gay one  a talking Havanese one and Jody Warley.

I was still between the moment in time before your eyes see something unexpected and your brain is ready to react, but when you have just read a sign that told you not to  and you’re pretty sure it’s not true, there is a suitable duration of duh face.

Some director I can’t see calls out Cut and the posture of everyone involved instantly from from Attention to at Ease.

I see the huge advantage to writing a story now. As I tell you this video the webcams, I can’t edit my words after I’ve spoken the, and my second thought is in a dimly lit office going over my live brain transcripts as I speak, making notes with a red box pen. That’s a good memory few will remember. I feel old saying it  but there wasn’t much room for perfection on those nice pens of my generation 

As I say it, I know I would have edited that out if this had been on my blog.

Still, I prefer talking anyway. It’s one of the few things I do with 100% joy, because my second voice has the after show. I get to talk, and perform for smiles with people.

I just wish I could tell the real story. My therapist and I are trying… But in reality I think I’m stalling for time in the present rather than change.

Ok  sorry.

So you didn’t get picked for big brother. I know you knew that, it was a lame joke, but the real news is on the roof man, says Patrick, with sincerely eyes.

Apparently I had been granted a position on an experimental journey. Something computers have simulated but have not been able to test. It was a form I filled out outside the supermarket probably two years ago and forgotten about.

I have always had this theory about light, and in 7th grade a school project was to describe a new theory of science and a way to test it school project. Then the sharks bid on it and Donald Trump jr liked it enough  but I was advised to just take the cash outright at the start, so I didn’t eben remember it till Jill showed me the contest form. I was supposed to choose my favourite bid from any season of Shark Tank except 18. Some legal issues apparently. 

Obviously I chose mine and here we are.

I am standing outside the launch tube for the light ship.

My original idea was a simple concept. If we could figure out a way to solidify a laser beam to have the sense of touch, you could sit on an orange slippery slide and travel at the speed of light like the bottle cap on a bodle of coke with a mentis inside.

If we could literally travel at the speed of light, when we look back, what would we see? I predict a frozen image of the last moment before we matched lights speed.

Imagine creating a pinhole camera of the light in a single beam. Like a dry spaghetti stick stuck upside down in the padtastrainer.

The produced version of thetdpaceship waswvonsiderably moremvpmplex.

I describe it asaa mix between the ferris wheel in london or Niagara. The outside was just an orange monolithic kind of block. The only door was as smooth edged as …

That’s not very common. I couldn’t think of anything to describe how perfect the seal was, except to say I actually lost track of where it was once it closed. I was standing on the left.

The crew teased me about that for the first 400 years.

The point is, it was smooth.

The inside of, what I learned they call the block.

Patrick calls out an unsolicited query, like an orange Lego block?

He doesn’t get the reaction he expected, as live heckled at this event were not welcome. I don’t know who, but a voice closed it by calling out, no, a Lego block it quite literally the opposite on this ship.

I wanted to call out that Lego made a smooth block with no connection numps on several seties since before I was born… But I didn’t.

Patrick did. Not having learned from the reception o his previous obnoxious punchline.

It was my turn.

Yeah Patrick. Those ones are called blocks. Please be quiet.

I may have worded it slightly less Canadian at the time.

… Oh by the way. Did I mention Patrick is the second voice in my head.

Kidding. M night scamelon indpirationi credit.

See… There’s an example of something that would not translate to a blog. I’m glad I decided to do this one man lecture circuit.

Inside the block, were given a few last instructions. The ride will be 1 day out into space but when you return it will either have been 2days or 800 years. 

I thought that was something somebody would know the answer to.

As I imagine it with no actual science, it would take us one day in our time to travel 1 day up, at the speed of light.

When we get there, the end point is just a satellite the exact size of the top of our block. As the 25th hour approached I looked up through the monitor but it was all black  since all light was benith up pushing us towards that stopper block. 

I remember freezing in sir for the impact. Whatever technology allowed us to exist in this hamper ball riding the top of a light Waterhose.

The craft shifted 45 degrees and I can see out the bottom … Err the top of the block is now the bottom and I am looking at the exact same display I was out except it was behind … Err benieth us.

It’s not like we have a glass bottom block invisible gloor. That would be way too much to handke. We had screens and the adjustment from up to down was as seemlrss as smooth as if it was made by Lincoln.

The car company, not the man.

Now here is where it gets really cool.

The pilot turns on the main virwscteen and we see a view of ofearth on the screen. Our host explains why it isn’t moving. As I expected, we can only see the light from the exact moment we turned on the laser. 

Suddenly the screen changes. We are shown earth, but now there is motion.the clouds are moving. Our pilot speaks, ok folks… Watch this. 

The cart stops. The tv dcreen zooms I’m a significant magnitude. We can see north north ame

america.

Then, it zooms in 3 more times, each time the we all gasp, and inside my head, I am sad when it doesn’t go one more level. I remember to be impressed instead.

We can see people. We can see — wait… Are they moving backwards?

Cool. Apparently on the way down the beam on our return journey, the beam is still our light engine pushing us towards earth from its reflection one light day up.

,Because the beam is on an angle it bends the light like a broken drinking straw.

Somebody on trumps team must have figured out a way to divert the beam of light propelling us on the way down. Our bubble floats as sonebidyspinches thethose.

TheTpilotbshows us anaantiwue steamounkshuage and it controls our speedsas wrwgloat back on light rebound.

I just remembered how much I wanted that game. It was the home version of cruise ship shuffleboard.

Anyway, it was really quite amazing. A joystick allowed us to move the hi res display over the facing side if the earth. Since we were traveling one full day, we eventually got to see a live snapshot of every line if site viewable area on earth like a government version of Google Earth except it can go inside malls too.

When my turn came, I of course took the joystick and wasted my two minutes trying to see myself working on the car. 

The pilot directed me. This is not your past. It is the past. It is the light from this moment, yesterday. The point when we were in the block on our way up.

I understood. I switched mymvirw toy  the launch pad to watch my frienfs get back in their cars and drive home. It was really cool.

Patrick was first to notice. I was too overwhelmed to realize things are moving forward. How were they going backwards before?

The pilot flips his gauge from one end to the other and the images on my screen moved backwards.

It would be like moving your finger up and down the beam if light. One way we are looking at the future in real time as we fall, but if we start flowing up again, the light reflected images go backwards.

We can watch clips over and over viewing any part of the globe like jumping ahead on your YouTube video.

I was going to say dvd but not even the grandkids know what I’m talking about.

Now I want to tell you this is only the part the show recorded. Oh yeah  I forgot to tell you Patrick double bluffed me. The big brother crew filmed the whole two days.

When we landed, I was very pleased to discover exactly two days had passed for both of us. Whispers circulated this was just a novelty ride and not even the first. The 8 years is a scare line they use every weekend.

It would have been the most fascinating story of my life if it ended there, but crystal shows up after the cameras were gone and introduces herself to me. She is as beautiful as her grandmother was. 

She tells me I get to see the real thing because technically it was my idea this was based on.

We go into an elevator under the Toronto cm tower, benieth to launch site. We Xoom down for a while and open into a lab that pretty much looks like a lab in every movie except without test tubs or white rats.

I am shown the secret project. It travels 3 and a half days up instead of 1 day  and is unmanned. At first, my reaction is less than it should have been. I didn’t immediately make the connection.

A new gentleman flips on his big screen and shows me a very clear image of the bank down the street from my house. I recognize it.

I stop talking and watch as the bank is obviously being robbed.

I watch the whole thing in silence as if I were watching a security cam Starlite in real time.

We watched these robbers one day after they got away and have video of each of them going home after the break in. We can even watch them up to a full week .

When I try to compare it to the satalights I’m used to I am corrected with pride. Oh no. This is like an instant replay device for watching any crimes committed by anyone in the last week. 

We can see who bumped your fender last Tuesday he said. As I was about to ask how they knew, it clicked. You’ve been watching me for a week?

Only outside he said, but apparently Google’s being doing it for almost a century and we said yes to that in the 90s.

I don’t want to know. I don’t want to have to explain how I’d know.

I knew who it was anyway. It’s Canada. They left a note.

Then he blew my mind again and zoomed in on the note on my windshield. Surprise. We held back 3 more levels of Xoom. 

How do you regulate what to look at? 

He tells me that he was hoping I’d ask, with a huge smile. That’s the best part, he says.

With a snap of his fingers, a curtain I’d assumed was a wall drops to the floor to reveal an entire room of jodtick video stations, each one manned by somebody shifting their attention between the earth zoomed in and cp24. A live feed of the current news. 

I notice some stations have sponsor logos. That concerns me a bit, but I am assured they are only used in lawsuit trials byvdupoena.

Then, the guy winked oddly, but with cover enough to make me question whether it was a real wink. Either way, I know enough to know business plays by different rules.

Mr Trump comes out of an office up to me. He smiles and says to me, they let me come out to tell you the best part. That’s my favourite part.

I am curious but still running do many scenarios in my imagination, I’ve already come up with possible uses. I’m reacting a little slow.

My Trump turns to the side slightly and holds out his hand in one of those photo opp politician handshake moment.

Crystal appears from the side with a giant size tv cheque. He hands it to me, but it’s do big, the angle of it in front of me, I can’t quite see the amount.

Mr Trump speaks. Because this was your original concept, and we only were allowed to pay what 16 year old you asked for on the original sharks episode, I wanted to reward you with a more feasible bonus.

And a job if you want it.

I joked I wouldn’t accept or turn down the job offer until somebody told me what the cheque numbers were.

Everyone laughed bit nobody would actually tell me.

It was 1 billions.

I said I don’t think I’ll take the job. I’m working on something else.

Then I woke up and here I am, still in bed.

Crap.

I might have said something less Canadian at the time.

Thank you and goodnight.

Just between you and me, the dream part is what the government makes me say. Did you know most science fiction are just stories we have to call fiction because they don’t want anyone to know.

You’d be amazed what my light ship can do. That’s for my tour next year.

Thank you for coming. T shirts are in the foyer. I ask that nobody blogs or releases the video of this orange talk lecture.

If you do, I know where you live.

3am. Thursday.

Horrible autocorrect settings.

Related posts:

The story of now The story of now Time Travel and Legal Weed Invisible Planets and Stars