At this point in my life, I’ve kind of settled in on things that I can handle and I tend to try at some of those things I’ve already tried and failed at enough to move on.
Failing at things I’m bad at anyway is no longer as emotionally crushing as it mighthave been the first few times.
There a lot different reasons or excuses as some may say for why I’m feeling so regularly it some things. I think no matter how often I try, I’m just not going to be good at sports or music or a lot of other things that had the different mindset than I’m suited for. So somebody asks me hey want to join my company’s baseball team I don’t feel any obligation to try and I just take my failure as a given.
The emotional toll these days comes from the other people who may be affected by my inability to perform to even the very lowest of expectations. I really try my best to not be irritating. When I say No to an invitation to anything, it is usually because I would much rather be alone than join you knowing that I may be embarrassingly bad enough to spoil it for everyone.
You can get away with bowling poorly or playing pool or billiards poorly because everyone else at the party probably only does it once a year at somebody’s birthday or whatever if somebody’s really good at bowling a really good at pool they don’t want to play with any of their friends either so some things I’ll join because genuine do you like hanging out with friends but if they have to rely on me for points or pride I don’t want to be there. I don’t want people to be mad at me for being bad that things because it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy but I will be because it might be the first time love picked up a football. I was certainly picked last for any of the sporting teams so it was never enjoyable.
Direct three things that I wish I was good enough at to pursue. I wish I could draw I wish I could play an instrument and I wish I could be sexually attracted to women and have passion and enjoy sex. Sadly I can’t, and I’ve tried music and drawing and it’s just it’s a skilled requires practice and dedication and non ADHD medicated brains so I don’t try and play guitar I don’t try and draw a picture of the horse from the matchbook and then well what do you know a few years later and I can draw and create music using prompts on a computer.
So that’s still pisses off a lot of people but they’re not in the same room as me so hating AI doesn’t mean you hate me. Yet. There are still some purists that if AI is mentioned they’ll move to a different state. They’re very absolutists.
Sex however that’s the hardest one for so many reasons. Biggest one is that it’s a hard concept to comprehend most people understand sexuality you either like someone or you don’t and most people have that perspective from their point of view they can tell you that you know I find both sexes attractive I find intelligence attractive blah blah blah all the things that they can tell you from their perspective but none of them were not none of them but very few of them the perspective is asexual. Just to catch you up that means I can find someone attracted but I don’t have passion I can’t think hard on I can’t maintain a hard-on you have sex with someone and if I use medication to keep a hard on I’m still not going to enjoy the sex part of it the passion the the throbbing the pumping and what happens is that kind of thing is noticeable so everyone there moment too and man that sucks
Recently I’ve been viewing other avenues and kinks and alternative material in hopes that I could find one that I might be able to pursue and experience new things but I will always hit that barrier that has a 62-year-old man no one is expecting me to be inexperienced and not only that they can’t comprehend the amount of effort it takes to try and fake something that I have no concept of. It will take all of the enjoyment out of it for them and turn it into a mental exhausting experience for me.
Of course it could also go a different way and they feel sorry for me or I want to give me a chance but it’s just going to be a train wreck because I have done it I’ve had I’ve tried to have sex with prostitutes I got slapped by a stripper lap dance or once because she was rubbing me real hard with her button I want to talk and didn’t get hard and she thought why the hell did I call her over if I was just going to have one dance where she sits on my groin and I talk awkward like a 14-year-old virgin. Little toshino I’m a 60 year old virgin. Nobody wants that.
So I turned to having orgasms by myself and enjoying the company of others with the influence of drugs because drugs are fun and I don’t have to worry quite as much about upsetting the other person because they’re not relying on me to provide them the entertainment if I buy the drugs it’s even better. However the great fake story that movies and television led me to believe turned out to be quite untrue. You can’t just find a bunch of people who like being high and had the house party where everyone’s running around naked fucking each other and what’s worse is none of the women want to have sex with you in exchange for drugs they want the drugs and will pay for them
So I get high and I go online and I’m in some discord groups I’m checking out the Reddit groups and there’s some pretty good looking women using drugs living the basement life of getting high with their friends that I’m watching on a screen. I’m not acting have sex at this point it’s too much stressed mask then I can do okay with my own soul on masturbation however I would really enjoy just hanging out with two or three stoners. Fight the fact that I might not have the same sexual motivations the other people have they’re all welcome to go into the bedroom whenever they want to fuck each other’s brains out but I just want to be there then talk about it. I just don’t have the nerve to mention it in groups because I’m most likely people to want to go to the house party these days don’t necessarily want to do it with a 62-year-old guy despite the fact that they should because the older yet are the more interesting stories you have.
And I don’t want to ask them because these days online rejections aren’t like what they were before women don’t reject anybody now they just send you a bill and that team just the feeling too.
Now that’s it for now. It’s 9:00 p.m. on a Sunday and I was just feeling a little bit of self frustration at the end of a weekend Bender.,
