During the process of my usual morning routine I happen to upon the hidden YouTube video which was generated after I asked Google’s LM notebook or is it notebook LM to do a podcast based on the various Frogstar websites out there. It got me thinking a little bit about who I am and what I share. I’ve always been a bit of an oversharer and only recently discovered that’s a another of the many traits that I thought were me that are now attributed to ADHD or autism. 

But I’ve never really been afraid of sharing who I am especially in this blog because I know no one reads this blog but even in conversations with brand new friends I’ve just met. Sometimes it’s a bit too much but most of the time I try and balance it with their conversation and a wise friend once told me that sharing things about yourself is what makes friends. Builds trust. 

I’m not certain why I do it but I always have because I want people to understand better who I am. The irony is that I wasn’t really aware of who I am for much of my life other than to say I am who I am. Putting some of that on an autism diagnosis is not really necessary for anyone but me. It helps me understand a little bit about the things that used to be described as quirky or odd. I’ve never shied away from those definitions. 

Having said all that I never really share the inner me completely. Some of my oddities are too odd for the public to learn and to difficult to comprehend. My masking the real me creates contradictions and paradoxes about how open and happy I can be while simultaneously obsessing over how much effort it takes to appear happy. 

Socializing in general is a lot of effort. The contradiction of whether or not I enjoy it or I would prefer to be at home doing nothing is one I’m not even sure about most of the time. If I don’t go out I feel like I should have and when I do go out I feel like I wish I didn’t. Knowing that in advance offers no help. 

Sexuality is the main problem I think. Not really having experienced that lifestyle but still having to bluff normality is tough because every time I try it seems like my sexual jokes or comments get stairs and other people’s don’t. Not having mastered that means that I generally just stay away from it completely. It is amazing how much I just don’t get about how open people can be sexually. 

When I browse the profiles on sites like Reddit where people are just offering their bodies up in various different ways or inviting people and asking questions all far more sexual than I would ever do or to some extent feel comfortable with. I’m certainly open-minded and I don’t care what other people do it’s just amazing to me because my brain just doesn’t think that way. I wish I could determine how much of that is sexual flirting and how much of it is real. I guess it’s a combination of both depending on the person. A lot of people will offer up sex but certainly not follow up on it because they know that the internet is worldwide and a small fraction of people are actually in their neighborhood and capable of taking them up on any such offers. 

That’s one area where my curiosity thinks about participating in similar situations but knows better. A life of experience trying various ways to be sexual before I fully understand what asexuality was all failed. Not only that but failed spectacularly often costume me large sums of money that at the time wasn’t as painful as it would be today but still. Throwing away 300 or 600 or $1,000 on an evening that just ends up embarrassing me our lessons I finally learned. But that doesn’t mean I still fantasize about being that kind of person. It just means I know I’m not now. 

Of course the majority of people are not overly sexual but even an average is beyond my capability. Of all of my personality oddities or failures, not having had a sexual life is one that’s frustrating. I’m not positive that’s the best word but as a reader of this blog it’s nearly impossible for you to comprehend what it’s like to live without horniness or passion or even sexual desire to some extent. Everything I talk about here isn’t really sexual desire in the same way it is for others. 

My penis still likes to be touched and rubbed but it’s motivation is a bodily function more than a mental function. Again, nearly impossible to comprehend. Like trying to feel what it’s like to be a blind person isn’t the same as closing your eyes. 

Anyway, this is the blog and I’ve said what I said which isn’t what I want to say but it conveys an emotion nonetheless so I’ll finish it up. Happy new year. The time of year when I have these kind of thoughts.