I was going to start off this block by saying it’s day four or something similar but to be honest I don’t really know how many days I’ve gone with minimal food, no chocolate, and such a minimal amount of my drug. I know one day I had 10 cherry tomatoes as my only meal and I think yesterday I had a Coke slurpee and I have two pieces of not quite old Wonder bread to eat today. That’s probably been a week since I had any of those things in plentiful supply which most likely is close to a record. Like golf a lower score would have been better. 

My access to a car has been limited more and more because it’s owner is now retired and traveling every other week. I ran out of money around the 20th the last three months.

Without drugs to maintain a productive focus, I find myself resurfacing unproductive focus, which causes a chain reaction into thinking about my life, and how I am not only feeling trapped, but I sense the owners of the home I reside in for this chapter of my life story may also feel trapped.

I self evaluate more without the drugs and I realize I’m a mooch. I’m living in their lives and using their resources without guilt or concence. I eat their food and use their electricity without a second thought. Then when I run out, all those second thoughts come rushing in, and depressions levels rise above the threshold my depression medication is designed to handle.

I’m hungry. Although I now have some money, without a car to travel with, I am forced to either stay hungry another day or two, or ask for even more assistance from the house. Driving to the city and back isn’t an easy favour. It’s over an hour out of their busy day in a truck that drinks costly diesel that I have never once offered to contribute to.

I was paid yesterday and bills have already reduced the bank account to an amount that rules out any luxury food once again. My plans to buy drugs, chocolate and groceries has to be compromised and rationed. And then the loop repeats next week. 

I’m not very happy this morning and I didn’t sleep at all last night. Hopefully the last crust from the of the loaf can last a few hours and I can complete some work that gains me praise.

I think it’s a good invoice month starting tomorrow so maybe my woe mood will pick up.

I need chocolate!