After staring at the emergency mental health hotline for several weeks I paused a movie and made the call. It’s not a helpful number but they did give me another number so now I start the loop again.
Whenever I say I did a thing I am reminded of a really cool book I read highlighted here in my featured image. Accomplishing one task can be an exciting big deal if it’s taken you a long time and a lot of mental stress to do it.
Frequently when I accomplished something I’ve been trying to accomplish, I find it incredibly easy and it can frustrate me how I didn’t do it previously. I had no idea what was to come of calling the mental health hotline so because of that, it caused me anxiety and I didn’t call it.
Today I called it and very quickly learned it is not what I was looking for. I am not in a state of emergency. I’m not harming myself or others. I’m just lost and need help so that phone number wasn’t for me.
But doing the thing was an important first step to doing the next thing and the next thing. With luck, or persistence, I hope to call as many numbers as I need in order to finally meet someone in person and begin the process of sorting out my life, and possibly getting on some financial assistance.
My biggest problem to overcome is that I’ve spent my entire life not complaining and not being crazy. I hide it. I hide it well. I am afraid of looking fake and asking for help and money and being suspicious.
I suspect the levels of welfare fraud are quite high and I do not wish to contribute to that, but at the same time I’m having a very difficult time thinking about having a job. I tried one for a month and it was difficult.
I need a little bit more psychological counseling in order to be able to exist in the real world and make decisions as they happen rather than ignoring everything and reacting.
I don’t know what I need. I just know that it’s possible for me to do absolutely nothing and live here or undetermined period of time but that’s not what I want and it’s not what I should want.
I think about being old and dying instead of being young and starting a new chapter. I’m versatile and I’m well aware I could have a happy life again. I just need somebody else to tell me what to do, and maybe help me get my budget under control.
I am aware I will not be able to make the end of month payments required and falling behind is a bad option. Because if I fall behind this month I will never catch up without some influx of other people’s cash and I don’t like that.
But I don’t like not paying my bills either so I just forget about it all and do nothing and see what life puts in front of me.
That’s what I’m trying to change.
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