A Thursday. At this point in my story, I’m snorting an amount that is slightly more than I have lied about using to some, and others I have told I’m not using. I’ve lost as much weight and shape as .
Ding. I can’t recall his name yet, but I can tell you he’s embraced his irritating and legend catch phrase from the fast times at ridgemount high Al right Al right alright. Now he speaks one word in a black and white Lincoln commercial that looks like a ridiculous perfume commercial. In my mind, between two thoughts, I create an imagination cut away to an executive office boardroom and …
I lose the thought scene in a virtual puff and get frustrated. Usually I can retrieve it quicker.
Sadly, I have long since lost my excitement to continue along a line of thinking that may not be funny. Ding.
That’s huge. The most important reason I don’t work well alone, is related to everything. I can not be trusted with which of my ideas are #prideworthy and #shareworthy anymore because I’m still living in my denial.to my way of thinking, quality of life is easy in tiny bits. I always try to choose the happy story .sometimes that literally means forgetting the less good stories.
Since I am only this crazy while high, I’m not yet afraid I’m too crazy. I can however feel it changing. The name of the star of the Dallas Buyers Club was nominated for an Academy Award for losing the weight I lost.he did it for the role of a medicinal drug user in a movie and I did it for a role in real life.
About a month ago, give or take infinity, between two breaths, a realization lightbulb lit up and I really began to understand how deep some of my philosophy goes. I am creating the outline for how my universe fits into everyone else’s, so I have more least with some ideas and none with others. I understood that conceptually, I could not effectively …
Without a second, you can’t know if your thoughts are perfect, or not. Once you give in and change a real belief, I feel it. Once you accept your brain was wrong, and has to change the story in my memory vault. It’s effort. It’s so much easier not to change my mind.
However, the trap was set, and you don’t hint at anything when I’m in this mood, because I can’t turn away from a puzzle I like.
I got excited about my writing being both bad and good simultaneously. Once again, I am unexpected in my approach.
1. Brain sees change coming and resists. Change will require one of those relearn processes I had barely finished mentioning. Something you have to actually get around to doing.
I have however found you can actually get away without a lot more than the market meds us to believe. In fact, I could probably live my entire life without ever changing my mind about a set and stored belief. The whole planet has been educated on the phenomenon more clearly during the 2016 presidential election on the USA.
Suddenly, in the middle of thinking I get that, it flips and I have to start over.
Pause. I was trying to hard on the amount of weed.
Consider this a very real possibility. The way my mind thinks, augmented with various chemical modifiers is the kind of mind that could have done well for myself had I paddled east instead of west when the river of my
Short stories from a life surfing the edge of Now in the universe of me.
The Schrodinger theory. Stop
I can write this transcript on my Nexus 7 second gen tablet in the dark just after midnight on this Thursday. I’ve made it a routine to stay up all night on Thursdays for self improvement in this universe or the Second one.
I can write my orange shirt blog and even at this in edited original draft, I can not hate it. I can believe it is close to being good. Ive proven I am not perfect, and like a horse is broken till it gives in to a life of service, I am content with my now.
I can find pride in the knowledge that I can edit and refine. If I can’t, I can find a suitable co to work with or throw money at to do for me.
Part of my quality of life happiness is to exist in a class at least one above what the middle and upper class call the lower class. I enjoy the luxury of being able to pay somebody to do the things I don’t want to.
In my universe, the problem caused by my distraction issues are dibilitating when alone. If I am tasked with any thought process, it is easy to stay focused if I’m not too high and the task is at least some kind of interesting.
The instant I am no longer peaked by this thought process, my idle mind scans my immediate vecinity. I jump to the shiniest thought like a lightning bolt dances around a metal rod and Cage on some science show.
Ding. Oh. I just realized. Google Home mini is an electronic memory that retrieved from the internet faster than my blood retrieved the name from the cells in my left rib.
Recap. I have trouble functioning in the world because if my train of thought has to take a break and leave it’s forward momentum, it will lose the goal without even noticing. I do things the hard way because it slows me to stay on the track, or if we switch from train of thought metaphors to my stream of consciousness,
I have learned the best way to not be mind wiped is to …
I have learned there is no way to avoid it, but being aware has helped so much in my productivity.
A whirl of dust and maple leaves stirred up like a cyclone that may or may not have been quite scary to a child that didn’t ever remember to ask about their potential to spin up in power and take my neighbours farm off to Oz.
I’ll use the above as my example. I can understand the sentence written above may be riddled with errors and teqniques only untrained amateurs might make, but the price is have in my style is strong enough to withstand the negativity of the second voice. When I’m writing a book, I don’t have to do it live.
My electric brain told me so. It will be significant in my quality of life scale as I get older and want to pull out more names and details.
Although I am still find of the backup plan to use these writings as a script to be read as a monologue. Like a one man show, orange Jeff creates the universe he is living in, live streaming to YouTube on Frigstar.tv
I also like the idea of the one doing the station voice is Mathew maconehey. He went from total stoner character that got zero point zero (I have that drop} at ridgemount to an Academy Award winning actor that drives Lincoln’s.
I now understand that I can write the way I do and be happy. I don’t need to be burdened with the owner battle of ego vs pride.
I used to use the term low self esteem to describe what I believed was my born in brain. I was one of the humans born to fit a niece aptitude. Self hate or self loathing is key in finding enough people who can perform tasks they either don’t respect, find interest in, or are not embarrassed or shamed to be seen doing.
I used to believe my low self esteem was real, because I was so flawed and imperfect. Lack of confidence was the correct response. I always had hope and optimism that I could do better, but I wouldn’t bet on myself.
Rather, I can be somewhat confident that I will not succeeded, especially if alone. I can forget the third thing the moment the distraction becomes prime. I can forget the numbers you just recited time if the distraction is big enough to contain pleasure. I have frequently lost all thought in the middle of a sentence as my second voice working in the background had a breakthrough or a lightbulb realization.
I discover a roadblock thrown in my path like a fallen tree spanning right across my moving river.
I flush and decide to give up. I like the gist. I will get the literary colourist to paint my comic.
1am. Good place to stop, happy that my absolute garbage writings can, at a future date, be re imagined as the great #fameworthy work. #prauseworthy
It may not be mom and dad, or rich Uncle Joe, but I am clinging to life because God damnit, somebody is going to watch me finish an assignment at least once.
They said I never lived up to my potential but that’s because people with brains and environmental growth like mine, can success when you figure out they just need a partner to keep them on the path.
It’s fake news that people who are blind or deaf develop any physical difference in the other senses, but they will learn to interpret it differently without the same distractions full sense humans have to deal with.
The same holds true for losing anything that has become part of your now. A person, a pet, a routine or a belief.
In my head, I’ll draw you a line chart. It implies the true and sincere feelings I can comprehend and enjoy. I feel a good smile. I feel the joy of a new idea or lesson or discovery. I feel they joy of each connection that might pop through my memory as a new fact replaces an existing one.
There is a moment in the young lives of many young people. A chain of confusing thoughts that must be switched up or down at the exact moment we realize Santa is a fiction. The process might take a while, and I imagine it can be quite fun for a parent or fan of the mind like me to observe. I love watching realization moments in people
Some, like Santa are extra fun because for many, the realization of that one fake fact is followed by a whole new way to see the universe.
1. Could it be true? So, who does deliver those extra gifts? Did Mom and Dad know? Wait, dad is santa?
Wait. Dad lies. Mom and dad are boldface liars. That’s huge. I’m really sad kids learn that before age 6. It’s not a good realization chain for a child still cooling off and firming their mental universe. I remember the first time I noticed my parents were not perfect. It was quite a bit after agev6 and I was quite sad about it.
I didn’t lose respect for Mom and Dad but I did lose pride. I stopped telling their stories and they faded away from my memory like the photo in back to the Future. I lived most of my childhood without sharing my parents with my peers.
Life lesson. We remember the stories more than the reality itself. If you don’t turn your universe into a story pretty quickly after the NOW, you may not get to tell them to anyone when you’re 60.
I stopped enjoying being around my parents because I had no bond to memories of my life in their care and upbringing. When their imperfections and probamatic story telling skills, I actually felt the opposite of joy and pleasure every moment I was around them. No joy.
I suspect a similar thing might be a part of their existence as well. When the scale of quality of life is not enough feelings of spontaneous joy and pride points, life becomes more a chore than existence. If more than 50 percents of my joy is misery, I usually run.
In the past, the previous times I’ve been at the bottom when hope finally was beaten with more pessimism than hope.
My universe provides and a year later, I do my best to remember the story.
End for break. Drink and move and reflect. 118am.
Could I be a success after all? I had the red slippers on all along, but nobody told me all I had to do was click them together.
The escape room of life’s puzzles are too hard with my brain and my trusty partner. The problem is I need that partner to be with me in order to successfully in the first task… Finding a partner.
End of part 2.