How will I avoid working on that task today?
It seems like I can't blame my procrastination on ADHD so I continue to find new reasons to not do the work.

How will I avoid working on that task today?

My drafts folder for this blog has increased in the last two weeks. That means I have written at least one word of a post, and then abandoned it before a final save to the publicly available version online.

I’m behind on my personal blog about procrastinating. One of the main tasks I can usually count on to be free of the anxieties of life is my personal blog that nobody reads. It is the almost literally “the least I can do”. And now I am falling behind on that.

It’s just past noon today and I was in a reasonably motivated day for work. I’ve been without chocolate but I am just finishing my lunch and still feel like I might tackle one of two tasks that should be top priority. Tasks I’ve tackled with for over a month. The blocked mental tasks are extra difficult to solve.

The blocked task isn’t nagging. I’ve already destroyed the relationship and promised to not charge anything in the apology I made three weeks ago with optimism and promises.

The project now has so many triggering alerts making it a big deal. When I sit on my chair to work I almost instantly know it’s too much so I look for the smaller sub tasks, but of course I finished all those weeks ago.

There are more reasons in my head to start fresh tomorrow with a better attitude and drive. I’ll keep avoiding it until somebody asks again.

It has now soured the computer tasks today. It is a machine that generates frustration and guilt with every keystroke that isn’t on that other project.

I miss chocolate. My mouth is chalky dry. I look around my room as if I could spot a distraction with the urgency to redirect my whole body away from work and solve some other challenge.

There are no visual distractions in my view, and I’ve already walked away from the computer to land on the bed where I remember… Oh yeah, I have draft ohs to polish.

This text could have been written every day. I’m not getting over my hurdles this week. I have irrational fear of letting the customer down but really letting them down to the point when they might yell at me isn’t a good solution to try.

As I tried to save this blog I realized my internet in the bedroom has gone down incredibly in speed and quality lately and I’m sure that is solvable. 

This seems like a perfect opportunity for a pop-up task that has the right criteria to lessen some of my guilt as I fix the internet instead of fixing the customers project. A lot of my procrastination seems fear-based. Fear of the reactions. Am I sabotaging to have better control over my emotions by ensuring the reaction will be negative on purpose instead of negative by accident. It’s complex. 

It has been the topic of more blood posts than any other concept other than my drug use I think. Continually frustrating that I haven’t figured out a solution or even a workaround. I just don’t do it everyday until I do and there is no easy answer. 

Argh. Now I’m stalling. I don’t want to be done my blog writing time already. I wish I had chocolate.

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