I’m glad I remembered the title because there was lemon cake and … well.. Lemon cake. The origin story of lemon cake for me, goes all the way back to when I never learned gradients. Lemon cake was always just awesome. Those that I might grade as very different qualities today were ignored as a young child not having a lot of conversations with my parents. My Mom did make a special lemon pound cake. It was a delicious solid pound cake, not quite dry, but not really moist. It wasn’t bread. These really are not lemon cakes. They’re oversized… oh. What do you call those ..
ah, not important.
I love pound cake more than lemon cake really, My Mother made a pound cake and the lemon was great. and then she drizzled a thick golden yellow semi solidifying icing sludge. The top of the cake looked like the gutter at the end of our driveway. As I think back, my memory has adjusted so that the yellows were very similar. Our eyes do this, but in this instance, the unreliable colour memory match was secondary to the verification his story is true.
Crap. I’ve done it again. I’ve time travelled.
You have not time travelled you nitwit.
Nitwit. Cool. I think that’s worth 5 points, isn’t it? Yes, although technically a few countries use it but only because we conquered everyone who used the term imbecile or fool.
Oh that’s horrible. You know you would have slaughtered most of them even if they’d agreed to say nitwit.
Anyway – shut up about that. You sounded in real distress… (pointing with a look he knows) And shut up about I can’t hear. I know how our fucking universe works Ranj… and … I’m … telling you. I’ve been here before. I know what is going to happen next.
… heavy sigh. And of course, this happens now… as you’ve just … started writing fiction.
I was never writing fiction. I’m writing scripts written as if I were living now in the character. In fact, I am not writing scripts. I am transcribing. These are the transcripts of the all mighty NOW.
What did you just do? What did you say – -argh – type, whatever they’re calling our consciousness now. Did you just create a new expression for God that suits your own needs? Did you just —
STOP. Don’t start getting in the territory where we both realize your argument is silly but you still need to defend your belief in the story, in order to get the bake sale and charity car wash money that pays for Ron’s son to be in the Special Olympics.
Now listen. Arrrrrr I hear the bell.
I told you. Everybody hates that fucking service bell.
Those bells. Those shrill silver dome things you click once to assure your service technician arrives in a bad, suddenly disturbed mood. I hate that bell. It os one of those noises that seem to travel just a teeny bit faster than the others, slicing the air.
Whoa. I don’t hate bells at all.
… oh. That never occurred to me. My fear of being started is based on the sources of such startles as a younger child, probably between birth and age 5 – or so. I will credit the wording I use is all that I can remember of the idea. Base core memories are observed and burned in the first five years. Do your best to have them learn that the lies they’ve been getting in trouble for are meaningless to the discovery of the lies your parents tell, and laugh.
Hey man. You need a Snickers. You’re starting to sound like the toaster.
I had toast this morning.
the buzzer goes off to the side. A slight murmur of the small crowd in attendance was almost perfectly in unison with their expressions of; oh fuck I thought we’d gotten rid of that buzzer gag.
No. Side betting is the new culture in a word where nobody wanted to work, so nobody has to. We all make money betting on what other people will decide, thus making the pressure far greater than ever on those of us who can’t decide.
Ah yes… but we have you covered.
Do you pay for me?
ha ha… not what I meant and you know it. You also know it pisses me of that I do in fact pay for everyone like you. I live in Canada.
Just be thankful the Orange ones don’t get in.
There are more of you?
Let me explain how I went back in time.
You’ve just been shitting me this whole time? Do you know how?
How what? How I went back in tiiiime?
Nooooo… You didn’t. We were pranking. You guys call it PUNKE’D I think.
I’m pretty sure we all try really hard to call it absolutely anything else..
But this is not a prank. It’s another glitch in this universe.
Raj you keep trying to get us to believe in some crazy theory.
No. I am asking that you consider yours is a similar but different crazy theory.
No. I stop you.
What? Really? You think you can stop me? It’s my quote and I like to use it when it seems fitting.
I’m older than you. I remember when I first understood the difference between … well let’s just say, the longer you’re here, the more loops you get to learn from.
I’m telling you. I skipped a loop. I looped back.
I can prove it.
Well, of course, we need to see proof of this magical power. How?
I want you to stay silent. Don’t respond, ok? oh wait.. You can say ok that you understand by then wait.
I think I remember this prank Raj. You just ignore it and then in an hour you call back and when I answer you sound electrocuted.
Shhhh the shhhus — Her hands go up to each side with a flair to silence everyone.
Wait…. Wait…. I travelled back in time, and I did it from here. I happen to know the next thing will be my own words from before, continued in the same format that I recognize. Wait. Shhh. “I was amazed this year to disco–
I was amazed this year to discover that … click click I could swap out the new USB without that waiting period the nerds keep telling you could be as bad as somebody stealing your computer.
(He wants to speak more, but she grabs him and runs out the door)
Strangely, without anybody really noticing the incongruity, Ranj pops his head up from the back and yells, we tried to explain having your laptop stolen is way-way worse. How could you not understand that?
We stop for a moment, and Raj cocks his head slightly like a dog does when it’s curious. I open my mouth to say something but realize there is no way to come out of that alive if by chance he thinks I’m relating dogs to — argh.
We might just have changed history!?!? Oh shit.
what? What? You are nuts. You know you’re just tripping right? You didn’t time travel.
but… there was more! Quite a bit more.. I think.
Well… we started talking, and so the NOW went down our stream instead of the one it was destined to —
you know how I feel about destiny?
No I don’t. What? Why would you say I know how you feel about destin–
“You are my density.”
Ha. 15 points setup and risky joke that ends up being a mild irritation if you’re wrong.
However – di you realize I’m talking about time travel. Makes the joke double point payoff.
I believe we could be in… well… I guess we’ll never know, I mean it was only a 15-second difference at most. I stalled your NOW and changed 15 seconds.
Just then a construction beam from the ceiling swings down and slices his head off.
How long was that?
Then it was his time to go.
I have an idea.
Well, do we want those 15 seconds back? We’ve already compensated our schedules and changed our watches. NOW doesn’t stop when you have to tie a lace.
But I have an idea.
Ok.. You might not love this next part.
Ok. Wha do yo–
SHHH. (The look) SHH
The second set of silence, although there was no way for humans to see they were clearly separate.
Ranj has one of those accents that we used to be allowed to laugh at because they can be hilariously funny at times. I get it. I understand that we need to be nicer to each other because apparently, words hurt way more than sticks and stones. It should have been tanks and bombs can break our bones, but you better believe you’re going to be grateful you get to hear those words nagging you ass to get the clothes out of the dryer.
Oh. I guess that’s it.
Well, that was hardly 15 seconds just now.
Yes it was
no it wasn’t
yes it was.
Well this isn’t an argument.
DING – I’m sorry. The five minutes are up.
DING?!?! Where did you get that bell? Why on earth would you have the exact bell I just finished describing is on the shelf in my bedroom in hell… and the subway that runs between the bathroom and my bed isn’t actually as loud as you might expect, well I guess really it probably is loud but everything is so loud it kind of just all hums after a while. It’s the vibration that drives me nuts. They picked a good hell for me.
I thought vibrations was kind of your thing.
This vibration makes the bell fall at random and unpre… at completely random times. I just higher each new time because now I’m awake. I don’t like fireworks, backfires, forward fire, yappy dogs that don’t know the door makes that noise all day.
We are probably alike in how we react to some things in life, and even in how we react to a startle may have similarities, but for me, the noise usually has the additional side effect of wiping my memory clear. I will often stand wherever I was when the noise broke my stream. To be fair, you’ll quickly learn as you read my style, I tend to forget my place a lot these days. Most humorously, in the continuous examples that virtually every single blog post in this collection starts off with an idea not even remotely related to the title.
You might be mistaking the quirkiness of my titles and judging it either fail or a genius with the incorrect data. Yes…
now what? I thought we fixed it. We’re back. It was one paragraph. Two sentences.
so what’s the problem now? Can you finish the ending up? That’s your other speciality right? Did you say you have a mental storage of all the commonly interchangeable sentence ends that are not commital?
Oh God. Do I sound like that? It does sound like me.
Once you explained you add more stones to the yellow brick road so it winds and you have longer to think up the best ending.
That doesn’t sound like me.
It sounds like a student of your teachings making it my own.
Retell the stories.
Together they say; Things that go without saying need to be said more often.
Do you hit the t hard in often?
ok. so we’re good?
Yes. You were being cheeky. You won’t like this my Captain. Shush.
So where are they?
I’m sure they’re up there. They were ages ago,
But I did go back in time! I swear.
Yeah, I know. It happens all the time when you sit in that chair. When Alice walks by, it sparks and wiggles just enough that you don’t notice but you start reading a paragraph previous.
Well, that makes sense.
Well… yeah. MOre sense than going back in time.
It’s not that crazy. Hold on. Be fair. None of us is prepared to learn whatever we learn that is beyond our version of possible. Admit it. Not one of you is going to just accept it. Look how hard it is to get idiots to stop believing your guy can walk on water and – get this – I said he was the son of God and they bought it but.
But then I said.. he IS God.
Wait, what? The son of God is God?
Hold on a second. What is happening here?
oh my god. Why is everything such drama with you? What? Nothing is happening… well, except that beam that chopped off his head right in front of us.
You don’t notice anything?
When did we become Gods?
What do you mean?
Well, a moment ago I was alone… and then you came at me.
I didn’t come at you.
No, but you did come out of nowhere.
Everywhere is out of nowhere.
Wait. Really? We’re Gods?
Oh. Huh. I never really noticed before but everything makes a lot more sense. How long have we been gods? I seriously don’t remember anything before waking up on the couch just now when you dinged.. when you make that memory shatter my joy. It was either just now, and a million years ago. We were not counting the time between till the third one.
Did you say you don’t remember anything before waking up just now?
Yeah. It’ll come back I’m sure. I bet I could ride a ronkle like I did when I was 5.
No. You don’t understand. None of us do. We all just woke up. No memory.
Wait… really? Everyone?
Well, how do you know we’re Gods?
(waves arm, explosion, planet and industrialization) I’ve been doing that for about 20 minutes. It’s great fun, and then Donny has created this galaxy with two suns that doesn’t quite work, so he destroys every galaxy I create. It seemed appropriate for the metaphor.
So maybe this is how Gods start. BAM here you are sucked in. Start making what you need. Maybe God was Adam. Maybe he made Eve out of his rib. Then he says, I will treat you right, but you must remain loyal to me. She says; well of course God. I am loyal to you.
God and his sib-wing companion live for quite some time in paradise. You might confuse the workers in the garden with migrant workers, but the actual truth is, the colour of human’s skin is actually directly related to where on the globe they evolved to best suit the temperatures and conditions of the sun.So who are you? Who’s THE God? Is it Mom?
Who Who Who… What? No. This is before that. When there were Gods for everything. Leanard Pilksmith is the god of Hershey’s Walnut kisses.
OoOoOOoo… so close.
That’s what I said. I said, Jeff will say you were close. He loves the regular Hershey’s kisses.
Oh. By the way. The shushes were all shushed and accounted for?
How do you know? Did you go look? We’re not supposed to read back you know.
I didn’t. I just know.
You just know. I bet.
I am the God of WordPress.
It all makes sense now.
No. Not at all. God of WordPress doesn’t get sarcasm.
They never invented literary sarcasm. It was always hidden so the dumb people would learn the totally opposite wrong facts.
Do you know that when they first started to give black people the right to vote, West Virginia passed a law all radio and TV ads had to give polling information in a sarcastic tone, using extremely obvious incorrect answers.
What? I don’t believe that for an instant.
You’re right. It was fake news.
Of course, it was.
It was actually Florida.
Well, that I can believe.
End of Part 1
Sunday Feb 18th 2018