It sounds familiar in my head but to be honest I’m not positive my mother’s birthday is July 7th. I think it is and they’re all purposes, that means it is. I create my own canonBut this post isn’t really…

Happy Birthday Mom

It sounds familiar in my head but to be honest I’m not positive my mother’s birthday is July 7th. I think it is and they’re all purposes, that means it is. I create my own canonBut this post isn’t really about my mother. I stopped thinking about them for the most part many years ago.That’s probably just as well because I became a hard drug user and they probably wouldn’t have been happy with those decisions. No one logical would be. To be fair I’m not totally happy with those decisions although I don’t regret them in the way that people think I should.Life is a journey of discovery and drugs have really allowed me to discover things in a whole new way that overall I’m happy with. The downfalls really were on me. Who I am and the way my brain works. If I live my life with a good best friend or partner it would have turned out a lot differently I suspect but I’m not really good at life by myself. I honestly believe that I would be in a very similar position if drugs were not involved that all. My motivation to start things and see them through has not drastically changed.Now of course I understand that I’m always speaking from the perspective of today with an admittedly poor memory of yesterday. I’m sure I have gone through some personality changes that I’m not aware of. I’m not sure it’s possible to be aware of changes in who you are because no matter what it’s still who you are.I’m still a kind gentle lonely man.Well that sentence took a turn I wasn’t expecting. I’m actually not that lonely. It’s not a word that I would use. I live with someone and I speak to them everyday. It’s not the kind of companionship that I need to be interactive for the rest of my life.This week I set a goal. One task I gave myself 5 days to complete despite the fact that it probably would have only taken about an hour at any given time. Still, by separating the task into 5 days I could see progress and feel good. Tomorrow is Friday and I will be ready for the tasks completion.By the end of the day I may have an air conditioner. I still don’t and typical daytime temperatures get up into the mid-nineties. It’s 10:00 p.m. now and it’s 92°.My body adapted to some extent but if we combine the hot temperatures with the dehydration comes with my drug use I believe in my body is not doing so well. do you feel that the texture of the skin on my back reminds me of what it looks like when you go down to Florida and you see a white woman that loves to tan. Her skin has a distinct texture with more lines than you’re used to. That’s what it feels like. Not quite leathery but not baby skin soft.Of course not bathing probably contribute to that a significant amount. Don’t think I took a bath the entire month of June and wore the same clothes for the entire month.I don’t care. I don’t leave the house and no one comes here and we don’t have a washing machine and we don’t have a shower so I adapt. I don’t complain. Much.In order to cut back on the dehydration, and I tried snorting which I like to get productive and do work. It’s a different kind of high. Unfortunately it runs out around 3:00 and the last 2 days I’ve just smoked like normal. Dehydrating.At least I figured out a little secret on falling asleep. I hope. It’s 10:00 p.m. now which means the fireworks are about to go off for 10 minutes and then I will attempt to fall asleep. I am aided by weed. It changes the hyperness into hyperness dude.It inspired me to write this blog after a delay of minimal contributions and I’m hoping it allows me to go to sleep as it has in the past.I did get a little bit higher than expected tonight because I started doing video work again. Not always takes extra doses for each take. It’s easy to lose track.I can say I take a break but it in my house and that makes it difficult to hold to my personal promise of abstaining. I have enough to use continuously for quite some time. Longer than I ever had before probably and I’m thinking it would be nice to take a week off but I’ll settle for a day now and then.I remember I actually did take a day last week off. I mostly slept.This stuff has a sweet spot I can stay under or go over. When I do too much I become blessed interested in anything. Even choosing a TV show to watch is a task. It shouldn’t be. If I can’t enjoy TV I’m in big trouble.Smaller doses allow me to work but I don’t notice them so I always want to do more. Then, if I start thinking about taking videos of my usage I can go off onto a tangent that lasts a day — or all nightI’m not supposed to stay up all night anymore. It apparently bothers the dogs and it makes him worry. He assumes I’m on meth when he sees my light on past 1am.I have promised to not use meth anymore. I stopped three weeks ago.I’m living life on the edge. Lies like that could mean instant eviction but he’s a loss less angry these days. I hardly hear shit fuck motherfucker at all these days.The Niagara Falls Thursday fireworks are over. I can try to fall asleep .Maybe some porn will help.


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