Getting used to doing nothing

I imagine the idea of doing nothing may be hard to imagine for some people. They may even argue that doing nothing is impossible unless you’re dead. I will contest that breathing is something. Watching TV or scrolling social media…

I imagine the idea of doing nothing may be hard to imagine for some people. They may even argue that doing nothing is impossible unless you’re dead. I will contest that breathing is something. Watching TV or scrolling social media on my phone are both activities that are more active than doing nothing.

My days over the last two years have been quite unproductive. Although I can’t claim I’ve done nothing at all, I will say I’ve come pretty darn close to nothing. I have very little to show for it. I have not accomplished much ofnote, and there have been several long periods where I attained the status of doing nothing but laying awake and mostly motionless for hours at a time.

I am in no way proud of this non accomplishment, although I do find it interesting. It isn’t like intentional meditation. My mind is seldom quiet. I just don’t get up an do anything. In most cases I don’t even think about what I could be, or should be doing.

When I do think about a task that needs attention, I imagine the steps required to start or complete that task, and it often overwhelmed me enough to redirect my thoughts off it. I assign it the “not right now” label again and it goes to the back of my mental queue, where it may never advance.

The longer I stay in my office/bed, the harder it is to promote these neglected TO-DO items from not-now status to Now.

Often they fade away, and I lose a customer rather than actually doing it, even if it would have been a reasonably simple task.

There is one unique task in this holding pattern today. It is one task, requested rather urgently by two separate clients. Not completing it is potentially costing the clients lost business or revenue.

It just happens to require a little extra effort. Skills or knowledge I don’t currently have, and will have to research and learn. My weakness.

Every few hours I rotate through different ways to avoid it. I do other things like sleep, tv, eat, or scan my media posts. Then I repeat and before I know it, I have arrived at the evening. I watch a few shows and go to sleep early. Sometimes as early as 6:00 p.m.

Another day of doing pretty much nothing has come and gone. I may even forget what day it is. That happens most weeks.

The problem is, or at least one of the problems, is that this has now become my routine. My norm. I have accepted that this task is hard and avoidable.

In no way is it either really. I’m certainly capable. It just doesn’t happen and eventually one or the other of the customers will complain yet again and not accept my excuses this time. I will lose the customer and their income. In this case both the customers requesting the task are amongst my most loyal and highest paying customers and it is ridiculous to think that I would risk losing them in this way.

In my head I think, that’s right. It’s ridiculous to risk losing these customers or even upsetting them in this way after their continued loyalty over a 20-year period. I should just sit up and do it now.

I don’t. I didn’t.

Instead, I luck at the clock and see that it is noon and I will make myself some lunch. I do this as well, without leaving my bed.

One might think this would be depressing and a horrible lifestyle but unfortunately, I accept and adapt. This is my now until something changes.