Friday. Stressful anticipation. (Updated)

Drug Posts, Personal Journey

I messed up in a big way, and I’m going to pile lies on top of lies to get into less trouble – I hope. There are a few major things I do wrong and against the rules while living…

Friday. Stressful anticipation. (Updated)

I messed up in a big way, and I’m going to pile lies on top of lies to get into less trouble – I hope. There are a few major things I do wrong and against the rules while living here. Three big ones that could get me evicted without trial.

I am currently waiting for the phone call about one of them. I broke a huge rule that creates a level of mis-trust that potentially might be an eviction level event if I can’t talk my way out of it.

It comes at a time when he actually needs me and that helps my case. He’s going to be angry, even though he’s had some time between discovery and the yelling. My way of listening to his angry lectures can be more infuriating, making it worse.

He needs the animals fed and cared for during the days and he needs the job to pay for home repairs and bills. These help my case for being allowed to stay.

I am aware however that this is a hard one. It breaks a trust and could be enough that he can’t get over it.

He found evidence that I have continued to use meth, against his very clear and stern rule. If he loses trust in me, it will have a chain reaction in his mind about theft, visitors and anything else I say. Even my defence will be suspicious.

I foolishly forgot my bong in the downstairs washroom, in public view for anyone that happened to open that door. He did.

I can imagine his reaction. I had promised to give it up three months ago. I had sworn.

I have used every day since, knowing this day may come. Ironically on the day I was about to be forced to quit. That won’t matter. I have to admit, his outrage is justified. Nobody wants a meth user room mate. Your imagination can easily create a dozen scenarios of ways that could be bad.

I can’t deny any of that. I am more public and open about my use and even include my home online among photos and videos of me using. It’s asking for disaster.

I am nearly I’m years but they’ll surely come when he confronts me. I can’t decide my best course of action. The plausible lie is that it is broken and it was there to be drained since that is my sink. I plead to the lesser charge of forgetting it in public view.

Or I tell the truth. It helps me live. It keeps me from suicide. I’m crazy. I don’t use much and I’m about to be out and quit. It’s less believable in a way.

I won’t know how I’ll react until the confrontation and that’s up to him. He has the bong. If I don’t mention it, I can say it’s out of site, out of mind and I’m not using anyway. I just forgot.

I’m stressed in the anticipation. Life here is much better with a little boost. He may never believe I quit or stopped and that may be too much to handle. If I can lie straight to his face, then nothing I say can be trusted and that’s a shame but I understand it.

I would leave. I have options although not many. In some ways, I have to admit that it may be better to leave. I prefer not to think about that. I don’t make change, I wait for the world to change and then I react and adapt but I don’t go out of my way to become evicted.

Fuck


I just remembered… The bong was fully loaded so my reasoning for having it in the bathroom is not only gone, but I have no reason at all because the actual reason is harder to believe. I took it downstairs to use… Somewhere other than my room for the first time ever, and changed my mind. If I’ve already lied about using, this sounds more like bullshit.

I guess I forced my hand into honestly and hope for forgiveness. I will do my best to not bring up his current drug use which he sees as essential. It won’t help my case and puts him into defensive mode.

Fuck x2


I was always hoping this was one of those situations where he didn’t want to know. Don’t ask, don’t tell. My room and body must stink of meth. Your body odor changed to a whole different fragrance than the salt based sweat B.O. a regular Canadian has.

I wanted to believe he suspected, or even knew I was using but didn’t want to actually confront me because there are advantages to me being here. September is my second year anniversary of being a bum and freeloading. I preferred to think of it as mutually beneficial and a decent alternative to growing old alone in a big house. For me. It is – but I contribute far less than a fair share, and being a meth addict changes the story. If he was letting it slide playing ignorant, that option is gone.

I hope I’m not too.


Something happened that changes all my plans. Well played actually, and if it was planned an intentional then I award excellent points for evil masterminding.

It’s not so much that something specific happened, but on the way back from feeding the chickens just now for their 420 feed, I noticed my bong on the notification table. That’s what I just invented the name for. It’s the table near the front of the house that we put mail on that I hope he’ll see.

I used to use the staircase but he would ignore that and at least here he seeing it and still not opening his mail but that’s not my issue. So the notification table is working well and he’s placed my bong on it.

This shifts the onus on me away from him. Previously I thought he had taken and perhaps thrown out or hidden the bong hoping that I would ask about it. Now I get to take it and if he remembers, he gets to ask about it but I’ve obviously seen it because I’ve taken it. I was never able to deny that it was mine or anything like that.

This could work out in my favor because both of us are very forgetful and it could be a while before he remembers the whole thing. His memory in mind work differently I’ve discovered. My guess is he will remember, perhaps when he sees the empty table. There was no better option for me in any case.

This also gets me out of one of the things I was worried about getting in trouble for. The possibility of a meth pipe being seen by someone else can no longer be put on me exclusively. He placed it in the public entrance way. Everyone would see it even if they didn’t have to go to the bathroom..

I’m overthinking. Since you didn’t mention it this morning I’m going to hope The evening goes on without it. If I can think of some other conversation starter to get him talking about the rooster or the hens when he gets home, that might be a good idea.

It’s Friday. I’m going to offer to do tomorrow morning for him because it’s a nice treat to sleep in on the holiday off. Internally, it’s kind of fun for me to see how far off his instructions his actions turn out to be on the weekends. I stick to a reasonably strict schedule and I’ve seen him not get up until 11:00 a.m. I say nothing. I take a tiny bit of pride in doing my job okay. I was going to say doing it well but in truth, I sometimes get lazy and take the easy way out.

That’s funny to say because the entire job takes 45 seconds. You’d be surprised that there is an easy way out but there is.

So the plot twists and we’ll see what happens at 7:00 p.m. when he gets home.

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