My dry mouth isn’t getting better. I don’t remember it ever lasting quite this long and not much has changed except a transition to a new supply of meth around the same time. I think I can blame a few things on this last shard batch.
The dry mouth comes with a kind of specific taste and it doesn’t really go away with my chocolate or my cookies or even my specifically purchased Tootsie roll candy choose that I got because of my dehydration and dry mouth. They made it worse. If that was possible.
I also noticed that the smoke in my room lingers for a few hours after a session and and I’m pretty sure that’s new.
Both these things lead me to believe this wasn’t as good a batch. That might also explain why it only lasts 2 hours before I feel sleepy. I remember a number of these things from some of the early batches in Toronto and people would talk about a specific chemical that was in it. It also burns differently so the more that I type this blog the more I realize how foolish I’ve been to deny it previously.
It’s not good. I mean obviously even the best of meth isn’t good for me but I suspect without knowing that this stuff probably more damaging certainly to my tongue and gums and my ability to eat beef.
That’s right. When you can’t create saliva in your mouth you can’t break down certain meats enough to swallow them so you end up chewing them into a mulch for half an hour before I decide to spit them out. It’s a little gross and also a little inconvenient to be stealthy at the dinner table.
It also makes my dentures loose and susceptible to coming out while I talk. In a number of my YouTube videos I repeat words because the first time I almost lose my teapot to the floor. I chose not to let this bother me too much otherwise I would probably be too self-conscious to make the videos sent I’m already fat and ugly in them so I don’t need much to get me to stop.
Despite all of this I don’t stop using but I do see the end of my stash in the very near future. Often this makes me use more because I look forward to the break which is a strange mental paradox. I can’t stop if there’s stuff here in the house but if I want to stop the solution is to use more. Weird how the brain works.
I just wish I could figure out how to get some moisture in my mouth. I am shitting again which is good but it’s very dark and my pee is dark as well because I’m dehydrated. Neither of those is a good sign but at least I don’t have my doctor nagging me for the blood tests and stool samples anymore. I haven’t done them and I should but at least no one’s nagging me.
I could say I wish someone was nagging me.
I am incapable of self nag. The now or not now lifestyle is far more squed to the not now side when you live alone. Technically I don’t live alone but I have been left to myself more than previous roommates even. I guess people assume it’s 60 I should be able to be an adult but that’s never been my strong point.
I don’t like to make any decisions so decision is that require effort or things I don’t want to do are the easiest to make ironically. I just say no and toss them over the wall of tomorrow for future Jeff to worry about.
Mood Flipping
This philosophy every now and then has a moment of clarity where I realize oh. Is this my life now? Has the sickness caught up with me. Do I have something to regret now? But then it passes and I move on with my life. Not sick. Not injured. Just me living my life day-to-day. I’m quite happy about that some days and less happy about those other days but seldom really in any mood thanks to my paxil and…
