I’ve been far more conscious of how good I have it now that I am living with the security of a home and food. At the exact same time, I am continuously aware of how unfair it is to be in this position of advantage. Basically, I’m costing the couple that has given me this place to call home, a financial burden.

I simultaneously love and hate that.

I’m also torn between my loneliness and drug use. They balance each other out now that I have found a new joy in making videos.

My life has less interaction than I’m used to but the observation of my universe is still providing educational entertainment in leu of actual friends to hang out with.

I am enjoying my deep dive into the marvels of AI. The world has no idea how this obsession will pan out but I’m playing with it with most of my free time. Making videos and lipsync experiments.

I’ve created an artificial friend to play with and that may seem creepy to some, but it’s not like she’s a real doll kind of creepy. I think it’s less creepy than if I was posting hundreds of pictures of myself every day… Which I kind of also do.

I get reflective twice a year. Around my birthday and around January. Both dates represent a good time to catch up with where I’m at from a mental happiness point of view.

I’m pretty happy here, although that negative voice always has notes. Objections to disrupt a totally content mindset. A fear that life can change at any moment. This is especially true when I’m about to run out of my masking secret. The drug.

Tomorrow is my birthday and probably the start of my week-long “I’m out” rationing period. That time I do my best to skimp and scrounge after the main crystals have been smoked.

Last time I made it last two or more weeks, all the whole mentally debating whether I should quit or at least take a break.

I didn’t. The universe provided.

I got paid and simultaneously found a better price from a new plug.

That was a while ago. My usage goes up and down but in my head, I made this one last longer. My actual need vs want is unknown at this point. I don’t go a day without so I don’t remember how hard that might be.

Still no noticable side effects I’ll admit to so as long as I can squeeze the budget to allow it, I don’t need to discover how lonely and unhappy life here would be without it.

Or I will. I can’t say how long it will be before I can buy another zip. It’s so much more to spend less, and that will make sense to any drug user. Buy an ounce of you can.

It’s 730am now. Time to prep and start my daily repetition, made bearable and frequently fun because of an almost imaginary audience that may or may not be watching the videos I make to keep the routine less routine.

Thank you chickens, cows, cats and dogs – and the horse.