Forgotten by now
Steps. Reveal edibles and their effects o  me live without admitting, revealing right over the heads of some and understood by those a level higher. This blog is in accompaniment to a live stream this evening everything in that stream was sincere and I’m choosing to risk that there are at least a few people… Read More »

Forgotten by now

Steps. Reveal edibles and their effects o  me live without admitting, revealing right over the heads of some and understood by those a level higher.

This blog is in accompaniment to a live stream this evening everything in that stream was sincere and I’m choosing to risk that there are at least a few people who want to know more. 

 

I don’t want to be famous. I just want a few fans. 

I don’t have many rules or restrictions to who or whom I choose as my number one. I used to insist they not be cigarette smokers or use microwave popcorn near me and preferably not fried onions. More restrictions about smell then anything else. And I said I won’t be able to live if there is angry yelling beyond a reasonable level. If my evenings are almost always filled with angry yelling or my internal guilt of yesterday’s angry yelling will destroy me. 

And sadly my weakness is I won’t ask for help. I will do nothing without interaction. My memory is very much influenced by external sources. It is sometimes impossible to remember anything without some assistance and context. 

I like to say I have a fabulous memory. It’s the file system that sucks. The previous generation of brain used some file system that made sense to him but as he grew older nobody knows how to access memories on their own. 

0 I don’t know if it’s related but it could be that I’m afraid of remembering one of the bad ones because currently I don’t 

I meant overboard on my selective memory I think. My family a couple of generations back have had memory issues and died not remembering who we were. 

It’s scary when your parents go that route and most of us know the experience either first hand or a friend of a friend but emotional got wrenching guilt combined with the sadness he won’t know how your story turned out. He never knew. He never understood and I can believe he loved me but that’s not the same thing. The problem was I never understood to explain it to him. 

At some point in my life it occurred to me that other people couldn’t label me and may very well have assumed their own story instead of mine. I have no control over that however once aware of it, it gives me new decisions to make as a character. As the me of my story. 

I believe that my brain and my personality and my story are worthy of telling but I can’t decide whether I want five people out of a hundred or 10 people out of 5 million viewers or more. I have to believe that a few fans is all I need but if I actually wanted to go beyond need to progress, I need a number one. A Donna

I would like to believe I said it first in a blog and if it becomes an explanation of the perfect assistant that would be a neat thing to be known for without being famous. 

I thought my hiccup chore might have been the thing that made me that kind of famous. The kind of famous were you get some likes and some nice comments and it makes you smile to know you made others smile. 

Then I have to decide whether my entire personality becomes based on how I react to the negatives but I already can’t see a way of that looking good. 

I have very distinct memories of using my self-proclaimed intellect to speak above the level of comprehension for a joke. In other words, I have participated in humor based on mocking or bullying an individual. I fully admit that in my main years after high school and even perhaps in high school, I was okay with mean humor. It didn’t even occur to me until one of my friends told me they didn’t enjoy my company because my humor was mean. 

That news hit me hard and begin at chain reaction of change to not only stop my own mean humor but to see it out in the open from others. There was a day when I made the decision that my main guy of late night TV that I have been loyal to since the premiere. I had to give up on him and move to another because it became apparent. Unseeable you might say that the majority of his humor was mean to someone. Frequently a celebrity or someone who for some unknown reason we accept being mean to for humor 

I don’t know what the rules are but I think politicians and certain public figures are somehow obliged to accept people being mean in public. But for someone like me it never even occurred to me until it was pointed out. 

I was a bully with words. Words that probably made some people feel inferior either because of the words or because of the way I present. My ADHD low self-esteem brain attached value to class in my head 

Water break 

 

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