First Pausenblog of November.

Drug Posts, Not Proof Read - 1st Draft, Second Life

A lot has happened in my life,  and I suppose I chose to return to drugs.  Visually I was able to see this time,  how disruptive it is to my happy sober Monday to Saturday life. I have also returned…

First Pausenblog of November.

A lot has happened in my life,  and I suppose I chose to return to drugs.  Visually I was able to see this time,  how disruptive it is to my happy sober Monday to Saturday life.

I have also returned to my alternate Universe where I get to be a whole new person,  and I’ve chosen High Jeff to be open and free about being super high both as I enter that universe,  and also Orange Jeff as I am known there.  Some of the second life drugs are awesome too,  and I’ve used them on dates like I’ve always kind of dreamed of doing in my youth,  before meds and therapy.

This blog wasn’t supposed to be like that,  but once again I can read it as a sign.  My universe protects me,  somewhat.  I just have to notice.

Things happen once you start to look for them.

I immediately ponder how a different upbringing might interpret these same signs as nods to her faith.  Signs from God.

I’m working on my Origin Story for the universe in my head.


Sudden Topic change


And now,  the news,  with Jeff Goebel.

A best friend from my past recently came to my attention.  She had made contact a number of times,  and we always had a good time. I have been her friend for many years,  and have even lived the basement of the house she renewed with her boyfriend.

One of the original Saturday Adventures crew,  for the four years I was in Waterloo.

There has never been anyone in my life,  that made me smile as much as her. We clicked.

I handled the decline of their love poorly,  and ran away when it got too complex,  and I wasn’t able to be the one to make her smile.

That’s kind of what happened with my previous cohabitation partner.  I called her my girlfriend and she called me her roomate.  I didn’t know that till the final year,  but when I was no longer the one making her smile,  I ran.

The Jeff Run

It happens in all scales from breakups to just wanting to walk away.

I have always been a guy willing to get deep,  mostly on a little bit of weed.  I really enjoy obcession free stoner ramble.  It took me a while to figure it out.  I would often want to talk about last night’s high,  but nobody else ever did.

We all thought we were geniuses and had invented the next big thing. . .  And nobody even thought about it the next day.

I had to adjust to that,  because I was giving away my best stuff in stoner conversations.

I still am.

I am a . . .  Pause. . .

Mind blank.  Thought distracted.

My Universe Provides.

Next distraction. . .

I started watching episode 2 of West World.  I like to watch deep shows on weed.  I think I want a weed smoking room mate.

So this friend,  when we last met,  she was acting a little odd. Some event that triggered her PTSD like symptoms.  She had a lot of stress moving out of one life without a new life to fall into.  I’ve been there.

I believe I offered,  with only a little time to imagine all the scenarios.  It was a good deal for me too.  I needed to be around somebody.  To a certain extent I don’t usually admit,  I need to be taken care of,  and these last three years alone is killing me.

At the time,  her condition was a little hyper. I wanted to call it manic.  Her symptoms were surprisingly like meth.  Super fast talking,  only blurting hashtags,  everything is awesome and all your ideas are with so much more than mine.

It didn’t occur to me til later that most of those relate to me on weed sometimes.  And to that,  not eating,  and possibly purging and lack of sleep,  it’s easy to see a similar problem.

It scared me a little,  because good people can break and never recover fully.  She is certainly a new person than the one in her 20’s.

She broke through the low self esteem barber I had so much trouble with,  and came out being over confident.  Her rules are firm.

Insert Photos Of Puppies HERE

Palette cleanse

My mind shifts gears and starts pondering who might read this?  Is this the right time to try to make my blog have listeners . . .  Err. . .  Followers.

It all comes back to my first excuse.  I can only do a project with a harder working partner.

Only qualification: no yelling.

End of Part 1


Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *