To be fair, it’s just 9:30 in the morning on the second day, so it’s not really a technical fail at this point. I’m calling it early because that’s what I do. I predict my own failures, and then I blog about them until I feel better.
Yesterday was a Wednesday, a few weeks into my new residency, where I haven’t really shown the client as much progress as they would like for me. It has been quite a lot of work, but I will admit it could be more, and it probably should be more. So much has changed and is happening, and new responsibilities, and it’s overwhelming. I am filled with doubt as to what will happen.
Today should have gone differently, but I’m not too surprised it didn’t. The plan was to go into the office with my host/employer and continue a day like yesterday, but to be honest, yesterday wasn’t as productive as I made it out to be. That was because I got distracted by setting up a new computer with glorious power, something I have been without for close to a year or more. I don’t really remember when my good computer died, but I do remember a lot of time spent working on a crap computer and using that as an excuse to why progress was slow. Not only for this customer but for others as well.
To my surprise, yesterday while I was working, talking positively about the new work environment, I was gifted the loan of a new laptop to work on at home, or what I call home. It is a pretty impressive machine with 16 GB of RAM and a ThinkPad with Windows 11. I’ve been without it for so long, and it was intoxicating. Again, yesterday I spent more time setting it up and playing with some of the things that I had missed than I spent on the actual task of getting that customer’s website online.
I went to sleep around midnight, again woke up at 5 a.m., which seems to be the new routine, but then fell back asleep around 7. That second sleep always gets you. It was the same with the farm schedule: wake up early, do some tasks, take a nap, and then who knows how the rest of the day goes.
I was in the middle of one of my overthinking justifications for failure, planning how I was going to tell the gentleman that I didn’t feel like coming into work the second day and repeating yesterday’s semi-success, and that I could be more productive here in my secluded bedroom, where I can start and stop at will. I had decided that was the right choice when I heard him leaving. It surprised me, but he seems to be a very accepting person.
That’s one of the problems I’ve had with blending in with reality: how accepting people are of my imperfections, because I spent my whole life believing that imperfections were a failure rather than just the normal course of life. I’m constantly amazed when other people accept them, especially after I’d spent so much energy on trying to come up with excuses and reasons. It especially makes no sense because I am accepting of other people’s imperfections without any question, and yet I’m surprised when other people do the same.
So now I have a whole day ahead of me without having to explain or come up with excuses and reasons, and I have to be very careful not to abuse it. By the end of the day, I have to have some progress to show. Luckily, I should have a little bit of money today so I can buy better food and not sleep all day. That’s probably going to be the hardest part of this new life: not having a Boro buffer like I did on the farm. It’s where I clearly learned that productivity needs fuel, and going days without isn’t good for anyone. Let’s see what I can do today.
