I feel like I should have the opportunity to explain, or at least try to explain my struggle with the recent change in my responsibility here, because I understand that my interpretation may not match the perception regarding the dig chores.

I want to try to explain this without making it sound like excuses, which is quite frequently how explanations are received by people who see the world through a different thought process. 

I do not mind the addition of a new set of chores and responsibilities but I’m having a little difficulty fitting them into a lifestyle I had adjusted to and a routine that included time for other things. I fully respect and understand that you have been responsible for all of these things previously and it is certainly doable but the assistance is appreciated. I can understand how it can be frustrating when I’m not completing tasks correctly or in a timely fashion. It may look like I don’t want to do them or I don’t care about the quality of my work but neither of these is fully true. 

When new tasks are added to my daily routine not only are there additional steps for each one but additional gaps between each step that all have the potential for distraction. What might seem as one step to you for each task is broken down into multiple steps that I have to concentrate and think about each time and really work hard not to divert because an idea struck me well taking out the garbage that there was a different way to take out the garbage and I end up building a new garbage can instead of the next step in the first task or the second. 

I became used to a certain amount of time to do things that I have recently discovered as enjoyable. Moving to a life of relative solitude and a loss of contact with my friends and frequent interaction, I turned to different tasks to keep me amused and to keep my mind busy away from depressing thoughts. 

I found new activities and now all of the time that I would previously have dedicated to those in attempts to keep me happy have been filled by a new schedule of activities that are supposed to be performed in a specific order and in a timely fashion. I find that in the break time I have between my original animal tasks down on the farm and the new tasks of taking care of the animals in the garage and the house I frequently find myself spending time in my distractions during the break and not tending to those tasks. 

Then I create a loop of guilt and shame and fear of being reprimanded for not completing tasks that aren’t just chores but chores that animals rely on for their happiness and well-being. Things that shouldn’t be missed 

Recently this is started to catch up with me and my morning routine is so out of order that I’ve frequently missed taking my morning pill which helps to lead the loop of spiraling negative thoughts combined with guilt and all the other things. I’m writing this at noon and the morning chores have been half-assed and not pride worthy. Add another chip to the pile of things that depress me. 

It’s not a hard life here by any means but it’s hard to adjust to. At another chip to the pile of things to feel guilty about. 

Spiral loop. The temptation to go back to sleep and avoid tears is high. I don’t want to go upstairs because the chores may have already been completed and that means that somebody was frustrated and potentially mad at me even if they choose not to take it out and show me their anger. I perceive another chip added to their pile of frustration that leads to whatever way they handle disappointment. 

So I tend to live in the fear of the last straw that makes my existence here not worth it. 

I could have sworn up taking my medication the last 2 days but today’s feeling is like the doom and gloom that comes with forgetting to take that pill. I have chocolate and I’ve eaten reasonably well the last few days. It’s just I’m missing the part of my day that I enjoyed most. Naps are probably the part I enjoy most and second to that thinking and working on my computer projects has brought me joy and not being able to do that starts a weird loop of reflection.