I struggle with with the idea of having an audience. My most used quote is to say; I don’t want to be famous , I just want a few fans. Sn audience is a risk. Exposing myself, or my work means judgement. It allows for the possibility I am not as impressive in the world as I am inside  my head.

That is scary. I’ve witnessed it first hand in others more than once and the mental defence of denial can be so strong, violence erupts to stoop, or at least put off admitting  you may not be as smart or as talented as you have allowed yourself to believe. what if my younger self was right all along and I am the loser I used to believe I was?

It’s an odd limbo being self confident and proud of who I am, but still hiding alone just in case I’m wrong. The longer I hold off that first share  the longer I get to live believing in smazing. I limit my exposure to judgement o a small enough trickle so that I can impress People slowly in controlled environments.

If I was any level of fame, I’d have to accept the portion of people who would be negative and vocal. I’d find out the truth, or more accurately I’d be opening up my defence and finding out if I am worthy of fans. 

I’m many ways my experiments is exposure have already given me some answers, but I’ve always been sure to pad those times with options to blame if they work isnt recieved with the levels of praise I desire. Excuses that a)ow for denial and ways to blame outside forces if the masdes return thumbs down.

My brain preplans protection that works in small releases but I choose not to believe acceptance and praise anyway, referring to attention as lies.

So I adapt and accept. I crave acceptance and respect, but I run from any opportunity because it’s easier than trying and failing. Not being perfect is an easy out. Setting my standard at an unachievable level is my out. 

If you don’t like me, it’s a you problem, but that doesn’t mean it hurts less.