It fascinates me how my mind can just be floating in space some times, almost trying to grasp onto a concept to begin writing about and then it does, and this is the result. The mask distraction I have chose this morning has been selected.
Instead of the horrible thoughts running through my mind fresh from the dream I just interrupted, or the reflections of this newest batch of drugs which has left me sincerely debating whether my mood and life are better today than they were last week, after a month of not using.
Thoughts about my life are complex. Each chapter of my life story is written in my head with the perspectives gained by the previous experiences. On drugs, I have an easier process because the only decision is presented to me with the bias of instant gratification. My pondering in the moment. Will these feelings of confusion and sadness get worse as the day progresses or can I just indulge one more time, just like yesterday.
That is the choice I make ever morning, and then later, and then again later. This moment here is not the worst moment in my life, but starting my day thinking about other, less sad thoughts seems like the right choice in this defining moment, at least until I repeat the whole scenario again in a few hours.
I suppose the real measure of change is when getting high, doesn’t make the negative go away. That is the trap. That is the gamble people are usually content to make each day.
This mixture of ingredients is not a good recipe for me. This debate is valuable, because I should have to think about the pros and cons.
I wonder if Jack Handy knows that I will always remember his name. He is probably the third most famous writers from the history of Saturday Night Live. What a bizarre time to be remembered. In the low moments of thought, in the year 2026, a smile comes to my face as I ponder my own Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy.
… And then I got high.
