Dear Diary

I think I’d like to read some of my early writings that are in my memory chest. I probably won’t alone though. I had an offer from a young friend I abandoned because I got scared. She was homeless and…

I think I’d like to read some of my early writings that are in my memory chest. I probably won’t alone though.

I had an offer from a young friend I abandoned because I got scared. She was homeless and really loved Ketamine. I also feared she was 18 or 19. Not the 23 she told me.

I’ve been reading the back pages almost daily with the fantasy of hiring an escort before my birthday.

I’m also evaluating running away.

I’m so scared, I ignore it most of the time.

But I’ve been high two years I think.

And I’ve been expecting something to happen… But

I have not fully been truthful to this blog. To anyone, but a lot more than usual is on my mind this summer. This month. This week.

My only activity friend in my universe right now… My number 1. I disrespected her and she got a really nice boyfriend again.

I should step aside. It’s my five year curse. I change. I am energized by smiles and new. Firsties!

I sabotage and guilt an end.

All my chapters end with a transition of priority. My relationship enjoys being number 1. The prime smile maker… But I always lose to sex.

Recently, something new has happened in my second universe, where orange Jeff is openly a stoner of anything, at least in world.

I decided some time ago to give a try to a friendship or relationship in that universe, where OrangeJeff has actual confidence and has many women aquantences. He has lived several fantasies and said yes to everything I’d say no to when it’s my real body and not an animated 32 year old version of me.

I started to look for one community I could call home, and gather with the same people each morning before work, or evenings when I’m not out of watching the new Star Trek in my real universe.

I found a good one right away although it was text only and I like to talk one on one with people. It’s how I hear my reward. The real LOL, or rLOL ad I like to write it when I laugh.

The thing I miss most about text exchanges, is I don’t see the emotions. I don’t see the smile. I don’t hear the laugh.

However, I learned to embrace text in different ways and I learned to be creative in more words. As I write things to a potential lover, I feel an internal pride. I might be good at seducing and romance.

The hippy utopia didn’t work out and my next question for for a similar feel, but with voice.

My first try at that wasn’t a perfect match either so I was just hanging out at home, either playing cards against humanity, or spending real money buying and sharing fictional drugs with fictional hot women. You may see that as a huge waste, but I have become almost comfortable with myself talking to beautiful women.

I have not quite mastered it in the real world, but I’m still not sure what I’m looking for.

The story changes when I meet a very nice woman in second Life, who I believe said hi to me first. We clicked and I asked her out on a date.

Maybe. The origin story is fuzzy.

I do know that it happened on ecstasy, and all night I remembered not to say I love you. I said I love this a few times, and I think I said a whole lot more.

I start telling my life story and

It’s so weird. People can love me. They do. And I am really irritating.

I know the reason I fail at relationships is that I have not loved myself. I have questioned why people would stay with me, and then drive them away to ease my guilt.

Every time.

So it happened twice.

Onecran, but it was text only so no trust.

My first ever voice date happened after 2 get together soon and a few games of cards.

I was so joyful because I had finally found a companion that didn’t fight  didn’t have drama, spoke well, except for the wrong your now and then.

She liked me. She really like me.

I talked a lot. 3 drugs together. When I find an ear I talk. When I’m not high, I listen a lot.

The first date was great. She didn’t get many of my reference jokes but she laughed and smiled enough to make me happy.

She seemed to agree with everything in a sincere way. It seemed perfect. Everything I need a girlfriend to be I thought.

In hindsight it was totally unfair to date so high on the drug commonly referred to as the Love drug I’d she’s never done ecstasy  I should certainly have explained the effects.

The same thing may have occurred when I had my first in home e date with a woman… The one I mentioned that just reconnected with me above.

I can’t get hard to have sex

But that’s ok. I love everything

All ideas are glorious

I may ask you to marry me or move in

More likely, to go into business with me

I may not remember this, or agkowkedge it ever again.

I believe I have done this to 4 women in my life so far, maybe 5.

However the Avatar one stayed in touch.

A second date. A third date with sex.

Avatar sex with awesome tits and full good quality voice.

I loved it.

 

Then… Some drama. A difference in priority caused a rift. She kept coming back, adapting to my needs.

Then I saw it. My high wore off.  She’s me in the brain. A woman version of low self image and a fear any love of her us not sincere.

I’m just getting to love myself but I saw a woman that wants to be a couple so bad, she becomes a yes man… Err yes woman. A kiss ass. A whatever you say darling.

I lived both sides of that life already.

It could take me months to figure out the best reaction this time. I love having a friend to do things with, and I don’t want to fight, but I need interaction more than just an audience.

We’ll see how that plays out. I’ve thought a few scenarios but I can’t really guess. I don’t have a clue what I want.

317am Sunday.

End of part 1. No video.