Daydreaming about a new job

If I let it, my life may once again have been saved… if I let it. In the final moments, once again the universe provides and my “cram before the exam” way of life pulls out another miracle. I stop…

If I let it, my life may once again have been saved… if I let it. In the final moments, once again the universe provides and my “cram before the exam” way of life pulls out another miracle. I stop to evaluate. I’m still in a state of denial where I believe my current state of happiness is real, and not mostly augmented by the medication I lie to everyone about taking. If not a lie, then a withholding of the truth, and I word it to sound legit.

You may hear me say; “The new medication I’m on is working really well, and for the first time in many years I can focus enough to work a steady stretch more than 3 hours”. You might make the assumption I’m not referring to crystal meth amphetamine. You would be wrong.

Initially, my plan was not to be in this situation, but accomplishing tasks on my own is difficult and often enough my stream forces me to choose the fork of the current, rather than preference. I follow the universe because I don’t like to object, or interrupt. 

When I turned 50, I had some basic plan. I was going to find a family doctor. The last time I had a doctor I was probably 10. Dr. Thompson. Since then, I’ve not really had the need, and when I did, I’d go to a walk in clinic. In Canada, every doctor is free, and there are no restrictions, so whenever anyone feels sick, they can just walk into a clinic, wait a bit and get whatever they need. I’ve been a pretty healthy person my whole life, and when I wasn’t I generally ignored it anyway. I joked once that I might be a reverse hypochondriac. I know something is wrong, but — like everything in my life, I ignore it and hope it goes away.

As humans, we tend to heal, and so pretty much everything does go away if you ignore it, at least with minor ailments like cold and flu. Every so often I would go in for a prescription, mainly when my throat would get sore. I hate that pain. The hurt that comes with a swallow is especially horrible because you can kind of put it off, and then you start obsessing and before you know it, all you’re thinking about is that next swallow… and suddenly you seem to really need to swallow a lot.

I don’t think I swallow that much when my throat is fine, but then it’s much like blinking and unless we have a reason, it’s a involuntary action we don’t even notice. 

The reason for this change, was simply because I wanted a doctor who knew me now, as I was passing over the hill of life, with an ever present expectation that eventually I would have to have things start to go wrong. It’s clear I live the life of an unhealthy man, and a lot of men my shape, and in my shape die in their 50s’. I’ve been expecting that since my 40s. My diet is 80% sugar and the rest is a mix of red meat and carbs.  2% vegetables now and then.

I thought a doctor who has seen me two or more times might be more apt to prescribe me some of the medication that has a reputation for abuse. In other words, amphetamines. I had tried Ritalin a few years back and although it did allow me to do my homework, it wasn’t an enjoyable experience, and by that I more accurately mean, it was an unenjoyable experience. I hated it. It’s a common statement for people taking brain meds to say; “It didn’t feel like me”. It made me dull, and life dull. 

I wanted to try Aderol. A different focus drug than Ritalin. I knew I had to become a regular and hopefully they might suggest it first, or at least be open to it being a real request for mental health, and not an addicted junkie looking for an easy prescription.

For whatever reason, my friendly doctor is a little more cautious than I had hoped for. She’s a lovely lady, and I really like her as my doctor. I think I waited till year 3, after she was the one that helped me with finding my therapist and was well educated in my life struggles. She had prescribed Paxil and I love it. It literally changed my life in such a positive way. Eventually the time seemed right for me to ask about taking the next step in mental happiness and looking for something new. The Paxil had worked wonders cutting my obsessive habits down dramatically, and stopped my depressive spirals without relapse. It was a wonder cure.

I’d like to give another shot at seeing if I can similarly improve my other issue, and see if I can lessen the effects of my reasonably debilitating A.DD.  It was a legitimate request, and I’d waited 3 years to make it not seem suspicious in any way, although I had expressed occasional drug use to her in the past. I never want to lie to my doctor about my usage, although I may not be forthcoming about frequency. At that time, I was still reasonably comfortable saying I was a drug user, but not an abuser and not an addict. I wasn’t doing it every weekend back then.

unfortunately, her answer was swift. Nope. No Aderol for me… at least not from her. She tried to make it sound like a normal thing, but I’m pretty sure other people have had different reactions from different doctors. In order for me to get even a trial prescription, I needed an actual psychiatrist to see my A.DD and sign off on it. This may actually be the rule, but I was really bummed. I could have gotten than answer 10 years ago.

Although medical visits and healthcare are free in my country, there are often delays because of it. It’s not a perfect system. I was soon told the waiting list was over a year just to see a guy who talks to me for 3 minutes and then says yes or no. Over a year.

I tried meth later than month and was quite upset at how perfect it seemed to resolve the issues I was trying to address legally. The euphoric high others experience was lessened to an almost undetectable level, although I can’t deny an unconcious feeling of confidence, which could actually just be a lack of the negative voice that usually crushes my joy and confidence. In either case, I was able to sit at my computer and work for 5 hours straight. Something I may very seriously never have been able to do previously.

I won’t say it was a perfect cure, because it’s not a cure at all, but the small dosage I started sniffing each morning was exactly what I had hoped the Aderol would be. A drug that allowed me to work, and perhaps better enjoy a conversation. Again, it was a life changer.

Of course, there is apparently quite a difference between Aderol and the street version known as Crystal Meth. They’re probably similar in some ways, but the street version is undoubtedly altered to make it more addictive.  I can’t speak to how different because I’ve never tried the legal stuff. I suspect it’s actually more expensive too. For me, medication isn’t free in Canada. It is for many people, and my guess is it might become free within my lifetime… probably a few days before I die.

If I tell you I am taking Aderol, you might be curious enough to ask some questions, but in general I suspect your opinion of me won’t change. If I tell you I am taking amphetamines you might have some more questions but tomorrow will be unchanged between us.

If you hear I’m taking crystal meth, you might slam the door, grab the family and never speak to me again. People have become a little more tolerant of mental illness, but not everyone wants to be friends with a drug addict. Meth is one of those drugs that is over the line for almost everyone, and to those outside the universe of recreational drugs altogether, meth immediately generates a mental image of needles, and homelessness and hideously disfigured, probably with no teeth. 

Now I’m a known meth user, I’ll probably never have a chance to get Aderall.