To get into some websites, it’s become popular to have to prove that you are a human. Some sites request that you type in the bizarre combination of letters and numbers. Some sites ask you to click a box that says you are a human and perhaps the most annoying are the multi-step validations that require you understand which photos contain shrubberies or traffic lights frequently seeded with questionable images that you are not sure whether or not they mean that tiny part of the pole constitutes part of the traffic light or whatever.
All of these help to determine that you are not a robot but none of them have anything to do with whether or not you act like a robot or have any emotional depth whatsoever. They prove you’re a human but they do nothing to prove that you were a good human.
This morning I discovered my brain has a security feature that it automatically uses to try and determine whether or not the incoming messages I receive from strangers are in fact from real people or some ploy or scam or marketing technique.
Over the years what I have found is that it’s much easier to assume they’re not sincere because the longer I spend on testing them during our initial contact exchange, the more chance there is, my queries will make me less desirable for a successful connection.
By telling people I assume their intentions are not real, I come across rude and undesirable. Starting contact with people at a position where I am anticipating failure, so I create the failure first to avoid being let down by reality, and make real people run away.
I am ok with this because I assumed it wasn’t real anyway, and even if I make sincere people run from me with this tactic, I am confident a real connection wouldn’t have worked out anyway because I’d still be waiting for any relationship to pivot, prove my suspicion correct and ask me for something. Usually money.
I’m odd. My wall of protection isn’t a screen. It’s a solid wall that not only blocks the bad hurt but blocks any potential connections because even good people will hurt me. I even have a poster on that wall explaining my weirdness in a way that scares even the best people from bothering to try.
And yet somehow I still hope the right person will find a way to beak through the defence barrier and impress me.
I create lose-lose scenarios instead of win-win. Even if I show you traffic lights in every picture, I’ll still deny entry to my heart. You may be human, but I’m not sure I am.
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This morning, I sent this to a stranger that passed my first test to proceeding with a social message ex change on Instagram.
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Social conversations are hard online for me because they start from a position of suspicion and the anticipation of the let down. The more engaging the chat is, my guard is still on. I am mixed with the emotion of hope, but my self esteem still thinks this isn’t real and even though I believe strangers should and would like me, I don’t want to invest in a conversation while I wait for the pivot.
I’m constantly expecting whatever pitch or motive is the truth to be exposed. In doing so, I present as weird or offensive and potentially scare off sincere people. This message is an example of that because independent of whether you are a real person looking for a chat or a less sincere person waiting for the moment that feels right to reveal your true reason for chatting, I have already made either option seem negative. I’m a complex person with a brain that crushes the joy because I expect a negative outcome. And then I end up sending a message like this and making myself appear like it’s not worth the effo
