I knew that I would get distracted by the fact that I used the word queasy in the title and queasy is a fun word to say and kind of a neat word in general. People are crazy they’re not usually having a great day. In fact feeling crazy can be very distracting to your day as well.
I had a day filled with queasy both emotionally and physically. Most likely a little bit too much of the drug, combined with a little too little food to eat all week.
One may be under the impression they don’t need to remember to eat, or that cookies and chocolate bars are an adequate substitute. I have learned from past trials that these may work in the short term for a day or so but if you’ve also been avoiding sleep, you’re going to have at least one day of feeling Queezy.
This was today for me. A Saturday following a week of bad habits and cancelled plans. My plan was to not do any new smoking today. My mouth was extra dehydrated and I wasn’t pooing, but I didn’t worry as much but the second one because that’s part of my cycle and I hadn’t eaten much anyway.
Then my sister appears and tells me our plans in the city today. A full lunch and some light shopping. I explain my preference would be another day, but since I used the lack of proper meals as the main factor I couldn’t argue the need.
But I had this great idea. If I am weak and lacking energy the obvious solution was to do more drugs. Throwing fire on the problem, both literally and figuratively.
I boofed and then smoked before leaving. It didn’t really solve anything but it did make dehydration worse. I did feel better about going out and being social and not looking high.
I have no idea whether I appeared to be high all day and I am consciously aware of a few times when I paused to think or lost place in a conversation but to be fair, I do this normally too so I think I can usually hide the intoxication effects of a drug that I claim as minimal intoxication affects on me anyway.
Having typed that, I look at that last sentence and think oh that sentence looks like it was written by someone who’s intoxicated.
Anyway we did get to have a nice lunch and do a little shopping and then come home to my cow feeding chores and various computer stuff. I didn’t sleep during the day at all and it’s now 1:00 a.m. so I’m not sure but sleeping tonight. I did eventually end up smoking reasonable daily amount.
Oh I forgot to mention bequeathiness inspired diarrhea. Four times today I sat on the toilet tent legal pellets go. Nothing significantly solid but a lot of sloshing wetness. Didn’t need to describe it that way but I did. I am off to repeat the process right now and the cat Chloe is at my feet cuz she just loves hanging out in the bathroom with me.
This round of constipation combined with fake diarrhea false alerts is frustrating but familiar and should pass within a few meals, but the dry mouth is a pain and occasionally painful.
Dehydration Ike this is the biggest clue that I’m smoking drugs. Today, all of these symptoms hit at once and I lived to tell the tale/blog.
I accomplished a few work related tasks and lots of new meth smoking g content. I still stall behind making publicly sharable non drug related content because it requires pre-thought and effort, and people will judge it so I avoid it.
The dream projects I want, are all things I would hate. For now, I have not been this content at not following a dream in over a decade.
I like doing just enough to live and not enough to be responsible for anything.
It’s a trade off. I could certainly use a little bit more money and do a little bit more but it’s also very likely that doing that would accidentally turn into a lot more after it done work.
I explained the Queezy part of my day, and I’ll end off explaining the blah. At some point my brain maxes out on its stimulants and doesn’t know what to do with myself. I’m too tired to be motivated and excited about just about anything. If I was chatting with someone this wouldn’t be a problem but I’m not and it’s 1:00 a.m. on a Saturday night and nobody’s chatting currently. There are things I could do and I suspect that once I started into them I would motivated but I’m also being blocked from being tired and it comes out as soon as I sit down and try and work, I just want to go back to the bed lay there and complain about doing nothing for a change. I shouldn’t be awake but I don’t think I’m going to be able to transition to sleep soon and it’s a shame to not be productive.
Oh well it’s different as each evening is these days a lot of is just the same. I’m still afraid to be a success and I self-sabotage all advancements in those directions sometimes blatantly and sometimes without me even realizing how ingenious my avoidance brain can be.
Updates as they become available.
end of part 1.
