• Wake up Tuesday
• Alliteration
• Cat attitude
• Reddit magic
• Spoken notifications
• Dream forgotten just now
• Asking for comments
• Phone touch
• Bad internet
• Project procrastination
• Waffles
• Exact amount of affection to cat

The above list are the topics that fly through my brain the instant I click the ADD NEW POST button on my phone ready to create my morning blog entry. Like all things in life, I don’t prepare in advance. I make the decisions in theoment of NOW. Quite often the first line of a blog post is unrelated to the subject line written just seconds before I start to type the content. I go with whatever strikes my interest and if something catches my thought train in that moment, a blog titled Dinner with Dennis could Neva blog about dinosaurs.

I’ve started leaving the titles of posts until I’m ready to save. This is especially helpful when posting a video blog because frequently the video has no thumbnail yet and I just choose it among my recent uploads with no awareness or expectation of which one I’ve chose until it’s in the post.

I’m doing my best to blog and post everyday and trying not to worry that I have almost no followers or audience for this continuous stream of thoughts and videos. If I think about it, I might stop creating and that idea helps me realize I’m doing it for me, not followers and even I don’t like reading my own stuff. I get joy in being creative and I’m terrified that other people wouldn’t find it with the same reactions.

It is perfect on my head. Sharing opens it up to review and the risk I am told it’s not. It’s a weird paradox of sharing. It feels good when I can assume it results in smiles, but it sucks when exposed to reality and you’re informed it isn’t anything special. My genius might just be average… Or worse; meh. 

Not pride worthy.

This blog was supposed to be so full and rich of topics. I had so much to say and inform and it ended up not living up to my potential, just like my family used to say every time I failed. The story of my life is being written by my past, and that isn’t what I need. 

Putting my projected thoughts into a fictional audience that isn’t impressed should motivate me rather than depression me. Each comment that likes me helps, but then my brain convinced me that fringe fans are not enough.

I want more, and fear more. So I stop trying until the next wave of excited motivation strikes. Maybe I’ll tackle some of those other blog topics next. For now, I can lay in bed staring at the ceiling for at least another half hour before the chickens need my attention.

End of part 1.