Ever since they announced the huge disservice of expanding the public definition of mental disorders down to just two. From age 27 on, I knew and understood I had ADHD and it helped me figure out who I am.

Recently, TikTok has become a top resource for adding new mental traits to a very long list of ways my brain is a lot more different than them. I use the them vs us terminology intentionally. It is quickly turning into the point when we admit nerotypicals are a different sub species like the Neanderthals were. Every week I am exposed to things in my life that I always assumed were my unique quirks.

This week I learned my problem with anesthetic at the dentist and pain relievers is also part of the diagnosis. It would have been nice to know that because every single dentist visit I ever had played through the same way. I would explain to the dentist that I wasn’t sure where that was timing or dosage but I would always feel pain midway through the process and every single time I was dismissed and then they never apologized when midway through the procedure I’d start yelling and screaming and they’d have to go away and give me another needle. 

But the funny thing is the more you learn the more you reevaluate your life with that new perspective and holy cow I am extremely autistic and how did no one notice it before? The reason is they just thought that’s Jeff he does this he does that. Now it’s that’s Jeff he’s autistic and it’s a blanket statement that both diminishes me and at the same time gives me a little bit of an explanation that can be occasionally used as an excuse. 

What it doesn’t do is get rid of the guilt and the low self-esteem that technically should go away because you know it’s not me but I’m 62 now I don’t think that’s going to go away. I’m still awkward but now I have a explanation that no one wants to hear. 

I’m hoping Monday soon we don’t have to wear a pink patch on our arm or similar visual alert. At this point in the evolution of education and information there’s no clear superior being. The two types of brains fit very well together and compliment each other which is probably why they still both exist. 

However it makes it clear that to be happy and successful brains like mine were high support needs and if we didn’t get them we didn’t reproduce and we probably ended up living in a relative basement for free feeling guilty. That may just be me but I have a feeling it’s not uncommon for my brain type to require partner and for those that missed their window they live like me. That’s not to say some of them are smart enough to be successful but they’re probably have more assistance than I ever did. 

However, I’m pretty darn proud of what I have accomplished in my life with no assistance just working on coming up with philosophies and ideas and theories and ways to make life work for me. Had a lot of failures and did get some assistance in the bottom point but overall sitting here at 62 apart from the fact that I feel guilty but I’m freeloading I’ve been okay. 

Don’t think it would have made it without drugs though. Legal and otherwise.

I think it will be fascinating to see the next generation that grows up with acceptance and understanding for autistic and neurotypical brains. People are properly educated, virtually every aspect of my life would change. Just a simple understanding that we are thinking and reacting to the world differently in quite substantial ways and if other people take the time through understand that alone it would make life better for people like me. 

It’s too bad they took away the term Thai support needs or high functioning because apart from the pun using the word high which I always enjoy, it really does explain a basic necessity that goes unnoticed otherwise. My masking makes me look like a person who is coping just fine. 

I used to explain it as I actually like the version of me that other people see. I have great confidence in the Jeff that speaks to people but when they’re not here I’m stuck with me and my life would have been so different if there was someone to get me to do things when there was no one around. 

One of the earlier drafts of my life story helped some pride and describing my condition as reactionism. It is the ability to live your life 100% in reaction to the environment and the universe. I used to say the universe provides. I still say that I don’t make decisions I let the universe make the decisions or friends and family and strangers and then I accept and adapt. That became my skill and my motto and my way of life however it’s not a very good system if there’s nothing to make you react to things. Nothing to make me brush my teeth every day. Nothing to make me remember things and take things with me. Nothing to make me wash or change my clothes. 

For some of those things I made routines but there was often nothing to make me follow the routine. My mind is so active and internal with new ideas and ways of doing things and inventions and business plans and none of them pass the initial excitement and transition into the doing things about its stage because there’s nothing to make me react the next day. 

All of the friends that I called best friends at potential partners to help me with life were not the same brain style so although we may have shared some likes moving forward to help me solve my problems and do my things seem to little selfish. They moved on with girlfriends and I found replacements as fast as possible but never really had deep close friends because I didn’t think guys did but it turns out autistic guys try but it’s harder. 

I used to say I live in other people’s lives quite well so I didn’t ever bother to make one for myself. And because of masking to please individuals I didn’t even have the group friends very often because when three of us would get together I would mask for one and not the other and they would feel outcast. 

I really think someone should make a manual volume one so you have autism. Volume two so your friend or partner has autism. And then a subtitle it says and no, not everyone has a little bit of autism. When you read this manual you will understand 

If you only read chapter 1 and then put it back on the bookshelf forever with the other books you’ve readily read chapter 1 for you may have autism. Or at least ADHD see chapter 1. 

End of part 2